Even Monkeys Fall from Trees
by Yagisa
Summary: (OC Story) All Hazuki ever wanted was to take a long and hot bath in peaceful bliss. Unfortunately, her bathroom's a portal to a different world.
1. Fantasy X Reality

_**A/N:** Shifts in POV are marked by a pagebreak and kamaoji._

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(๑•́ ₃ •̀๑)

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Reincarnation stories were always a big guilty pleasure of mine.

But, even _I_ had to admit that these sort of stories were pretty clichéd. The overpowered protagonists who got their way in life without any sort of real struggle was definitely not helping their case. Not to mention, the plethora of eye-catching men and (or) women who'd throw themselves at the protagonist's feet simply because they were the central character of the narrative. These main characters usually achieved a _'good end'_ regardless of circumstance _just because_. It was a very self-indulgent sort of fiction that critics mocked and abhorred.

But I _loved_ every bit of it. Every nasty and self-serving bit of it.

You see, I like stories that fell under this genre because the protagonists made decisions that I could sympathize with. Perhaps it was the inherent genre _savviness_ that came along with being an _isekai_ protagonist, or the vague feeling of power over having an insight on people's fate or maybe it was the harem of good-looking characters. Regardless, I felt inclined to believe that self-insert protagonists made considerably rational choices, more so than _canon_ protags who just had this irritating tendency to make choices out of friendship and affections that's just borderline stupid.

This dating game I was playing right now was a prime example of that.

The heroine in it was very pretty—the _main_ reason I bought it the game actually—but was equally prone to making bad life decisions to the point that I wanted to throw my handheld console to the wall. _No_. Scratch that, it had such inconsistent writing that I could only curse myself on why I purchased it despite being aware of it's poor rating on Amazon.

 _Damn it._ This was divine retribution for being easily swayed by pretty faces. The art was great, don't get me wrong, but the scenario was just an absolute train wreck _and_ the game was littered with bugs. I had to reset my game thrice within the last hour because my save file kept on disappearing!

I suspect that quality control played hooky on their jobs. _Tsk._

Fed up, I quickly shut my Vita off. I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. This was just _too much_. After finishing two routes with repetitive scenes and seemingly random developments (the protagonist had amnesia at least _twice_ ), I just wanted to take a break and indulge in one of the few life pleasures that _never_ betrayed me; a bath.

With an eager grin, I made my way to the bathroom, stripping myself as I went – perks of living alone without my mother to nag me—before dumping a newly purchased bath bomb into the tub. Once the water tinged into a very pretty shade of pink, I slowly lowered myself into the tub, savoring the feeling of the warm water lapping against my skin.

"Ah," A moan escaped my lips as I leaned my back against the tub. _This is exactly what I needed._

Unfortunately life rarely ever went my way, so my time in paradise was rudely interrupted by the loud screeching of my phone. I opted to ignore it but it rang for a couple more times, vibrating itself to the edge of the counter. Given the haste at which I was receiving texts, it was _probably_ something important. I felt reluctant to leave the warm embrace of my bubbly water but left anyway because if it was Nishikino-sensei, he would _flay me_ alive for disregarding him.

But as I stretched my arm, a loud explosion echoed from the outside and I had to steady myself against the tub.

 _What._

 _The._

 _Hell?!_

Was one of the local children playing with fireworks again? Or was it my neighbor? That surly man _did_ have a penchant for experimenting with various dangerous chemicals despite my many warnings.

Either way, screw them for ruining my precious bath time!

Fuming, I got out of the tub, angrily grabbing my towel along the way in order to give the person who disrupted my bath some admonishment. With the towel firmly secured around my body, I moved to unlock the bathroom door. I swear, I was going to give them such a tongue lashing that—

My complaints quickly died down my throat.

I swallowed nervously.

I was not in my room. Rather, I don't think I was even in my apartment anymore.

Upon opening my door, what greeted me was an alleyway of sorts with trash littering the mud-caked pavement instead of my room littered with books. The smell of burnt rubber invaded my nose and I cringed in disgust. How the hell did I even get here in the first place? Was I dreaming? Did I fall asleep in the bath _again_?

I probably should've listened to my mom about not bathing for too long.

Some bit of dust got into my eye and I blinked in confusion before rubbing it as I tugged my towel a little closer. The dry smog that permeated the air made me feel a little chilly and very dirty.

Looking around the dirty alleyway, I could only come to one conclusion: I slipped on a bar of soap then died and was now reincarnated into a fictional world where I would score some hot guy (or _guys)_ with whom I would have hot and steamy make-out sessions.

Ha. _Ha_. I jest of course, as if such outlandish things that only happened in manga or light novels would happen to me.

Of course, the only logical conclusion was that I was currently hallucinating. All those bath bubbles probably got to my head, probably shouldn't have bought them from that shady store. Thankfully however, my reasoning was still intact which meant all I had to do was patiently wait it out. _I think_. I've never had a hallucination while being under influence but I suppose there was a first time for everything.

Yay for reckless college hobbies.

After coming upon a decision, I opted to return to my bathroom. It was a safe space. It offered a sense of familiarity as I waited for this strange hallucination to pass. No sense in wandering about and getting myself injured. Who knows what kind of sharp object I might ram myself into?

But as I was about to take a step in my intended direction, a soft groan resounded in the alley that was seemingly empty. _What._

Was I getting auditory hallucinations in addition to visual hallucinations as well? _Goddamnit._

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a dark lump twitch from the corner.

And okay, fine, I have to admit that at the time I had a momentary lapse in judgment. Hallucination or not, I shouldn't have gone near that suspicious lump and I sure as hell shouldn't have helped that suspicious lump. In my defense however, I had an unfortunate sense of decency to help people.

 _I'm going to regret this, aren't I ?_

With that heavy thought in mind, I inched closer and closer to the lump, carefully planting my bare feet on the smoother parts of the pavement. The alley was damp and even I knew not to casually step on what seemed like green goop. Even if I knew that all these wasn't real, that didn't mean I was curious enough to feel all those suspicious substances against my bare skin.

To my surprise however, the previously unidentified lump was actually a human being lying prone. Pieces of rubble covered them, with burns and cuts littered across their entire body. I winced a bit as I noticed that the rubble was digging into some of the fresh injuries. Those injuries would be painful to clean and dress.

…This was a _very_ strange hallucination to have. And I wasn't enjoying any part of it so far.

Tentatively, I used my toe to poke at the person's shoulder. And to no one's surprise, they didn't even respond. At all.

Feeling a little bold—in more ways than one, ha—I nudged them again, this time turning them to lay on their back. And— _oh._

 _Oh._

I take my earlier statement back. I was enjoying this situation _very_ much.

The unconscious person was in fact a man. A very, very handsome man. Okay, that wasn't even enough to do him justice. Dark messy hair framed his well-proportioned face with a well-sculpted nose and long dark lashes- you know what, I'm not even doing him any more justice like this. I wasn't blessed with any sort of creativity with words so all I can say is that this man was _smoking hot._

I winced.

Perhaps the latter compliment was not the most apt to use considering his state of minor burns and singed clothes.

I grimaced, suddenly feeling bad for lusting after a grievously injured man, hallucination or no.

Another weak groan came from the man and I scrambled to his side, uncaring of the rubble that jabbed into my kneecaps. "Hey, _hey_ , are you okay?!" My first aid training kicked into gear as I calmly assessed his body. Aside from the cuts and burns, there didn't seem to be any life threatening injuries. "Sir!" I shook him back and forth again but he just remained still in my arms like a rag doll.

A very _attractive_ rag doll, a not so helpful part of my mind supplied.

 _Priorities!_

Anyways.

I cursed under my breath as I tightened my towel closer to my body. Even under distress, I still felt like I needed to maintain what little I could of my dignity. It wouldn't do good to randomly flash myself in all my naked glory to a stranger as soon as he awoke. As much as I was proud of my body, I don't think that'd be something he would want to wake up to. In fact, it might even send him into a state of shock.

Once I was sure that I wasn't in danger of being sued for public indecency, I leaned my ear against his mouth and felt momentarily relieved as I felt ragged puffs of breath tickle my ear until it went to an abrupt halt.

 _Shit._ This man needed resuscitation and _fast_.

For a brief period, I forgot about how this was all a hallucination. I was so caught up in the moment that I failed to consider the future repercussion of my actions and immediately prepared to resuscitate him. I rhythmically pumped my hands against his chest before clumsily crashing my mouth against his to provide him with air.

A little disclaimer. I have _never_ performed CPR on an actual, living, breathing, human being. I was certified and trained for it yes, but my training was limited to making out with creepy lifeless dolls.

As irresponsible as it seemed, this was better than no attempt at resuscitation.

And so there I was in the middle of nowhere, trying to be a good Samaritan, with my face scrunched in concentration as I pushed against the man's chest and alternated with smashing my mouth against his.

Internally, however, I was screaming. One misstep and I could be _sued_ by hallucinatory lawyers.

Then, the man let out a weak cough and I nearly wept in relief. Oh _thank god_. It looks like all those training classes weren't all for naught. Nishikino-sensei would kill me if he found out that his student couldn't even do basic resuscitation techniques. But before I could even revel on my own competence, the man spoke and I felt a chill crawl down my spine.

"Drunk on pain, I taste the kiss of death." He murmured out, trailing his eyes appreciatively across my form, before finally meeting my eyes.

To my dismay, his eyes lingered on my chest a few seconds more than I would've liked.

On another situation, I would've swooned because his voice was rich like velvet- and damn it, I'm not good at similes or metaphors but his voice made my knees weak. Coupled with a handsome face and a fine physique, this man just screamed _perfection._

If this were a dating simulation game, I had no doubts that he would be the main love interest.

But handsome or not, a pervert was still a pervert. So I frowned in response, crossing my arms in front of my ample assets. "Hey. Eyes up _sir_. My face is here."

"Ah. Where are my manners? Forgive me. I didn't realize that the Goddess of Death would take offense." He smiled, making no move to get up from his comfortable position on my lap. In fact, he even had the audacity to shift into a more comfortable spot!

The _nerve!_

"Pretty sure that the Goddess of Death doesn't parade around in nothing but a bath towel." I snorted as I moved the man to lay back on the pavement once more. Without waiting for a response, I ripped the hem of my already short towel as an impromptu rag to clean his wounds. Human life was more important than my modesty after all.

A pervert he may be, but even perverts needed their wounds treated.

Putting on an air of indifference and professionalism, I began to clear his wounds of pebbles. The jerk didn't even wince a bit and just looked entertained. _Tsk_ _._ Feeling a bit irate, I bit out. "Sir, you need medical assistance. Do you have a cellphone we can use to call an ambulance?"

"And what use would a phone be for Death ?" The calm smile never left his face as his eyes followed every movement I did.

I physically couldn't roll my eyes back any further. This guy needed to _chill_ with the mysterious guy act. "Sir, I'm not a Goddess of Death. I'm just a concerned citizen who happened to pass by."

"Ah. A pity. My time has not come then." An unreadable look crossed his features, erasing the earlier warmth that seemed to fill his gaze.

With grace and ease unexpected from a man who was previously terribly injured, he rose to his full height but buckled at the last moment. I caught him before he could fall to the ground and wrapped my arms around his torso. One of his arms came to rest on my bare shoulders as his body pressed against mine.

I had to fight back the blush that threatened to erupt on my cheeks.

 _Oh gods._ I was in a strange alley, _nearly_ naked, with a good-looking man pressed against me, and I was quite possibly hallucinating.

Was this good or bad fortune?!

"Hey, sir! Be a little more careful! You're in no condition to be up and about!" In an attempt to fight back my embarrassment, I chided him, pointedly looking at the alley as I ignored his pretty eyes.

He chuckled – _his mouth was right next to my ear, Jesus Christ –_ and I swear, I nearly dropped him then and there because this situation was so not good for my poor little inexperienced heart! But I quickly squashed my own feeling of shame and I slid my arm under his shoulder to support him a little better.

"Back pocket." He suddenly said.

"Huh?" I made the mistake of looking at his face and I immediately felt my cheeks grow hot. His eyes _were really_ very pretty _._

"My phone is in my back pocket." He clarified. "I would get it myself but I've got my hands a little occupied right now." He paused for a bit, then. "Enjoying the view?"

My jaw dropped at his insinuation – not that it _wasn't_ untrue—but I quickly snapped my mouth shut to spare myself of any further humiliation. I was not as _thirsty_ as he implied I was! "I am _not_!" I don't think I was very convincing just then as his lips split into an amused sort of smile and I felt my cheeks grow even hotter.

I didn't think it was possible to dislike someone I've barely met this much.

Grunting in annoyance, I opted to comply with his request in an attempt to busy myself, not so gently shoving the bloodied rag I used to tend to his wounds onto his hands. He remained silent as I blindly groped around in his pocket, careful to not touch any part of his derriere—even if it looked nice (The pervert even _chuckled_ at my discomfort!). As soon as I finally fished his phone out of his pocket, I typed in the emergency hotline- only to have it plucked away from my hand before I could press anything else.

Ignoring my spluttering, the man deftly dialed in another number before hitting the call button.

"Mm. I'm alive. Though a little worse for wear at the moment. " A pause. "We got it? That's good. Send Machi to my location."

Without even pausing to say goodbye, he hid the phone in his back pocket once more.

"I thought you couldn't get your phone yourself?" I frowned.

"Hm, did I say that?"

"Yes you did..." I shot him a wary glance. "You know what— _never mind._ "

"My comrades will arrive soon, miss. Your duty as a concerned citizen, while appreciated, ends here." He flashed me another smile that was meant to look amiable but now that I was a little less flustered by his attention, I realized that his smile didn't reach his eyes.

It was frankly, a little unnerving.

"Right," I nodded, pulling away from him once I was sure he could stand on his own.

A few seconds just passed with neither of us budging an inch and just staring at each other.

Well.

This was awkward.

"Um," I began, inching my way to my bathroom door. "I have some first aid supplies that we can use while waiting for your friends."

I turned on my heel to make my way back to the safety of my bathroom. But a warm calloused hand firmly gripped my wrist before I could even take one step. "Miss," The odd stranger looked at me thoughtfully for a few seconds, as if debating something. A beat later, then. "Here, a little something as thanks." He slipped something cold and round into my hands, making me jump in surprise.

Brows furrowed in contemplation and very much cold from the biting wind I may add, I rolled the peculiar item in my hand. It was a small pearl shaped gem that glinted purple in the night light."What is this?" I asked, dumbly.

"A little token of my appreciation for having saved my life." He replied, shrugging his shoulders. He was _still_ smiling."I have no use for it. Use it as you see fit."

"So in other words, you're giving me trash? That doesn't seem very nice you know." I looked up at him, a little offended. Did I look like some sort of trash collector to him?

In response to my question, a soft chuckle left the man's lips. I frowned. _Why?_ Did I say anything funny? "Show it to the right people and you will be set for life."

"Right," I deadpanned. "Okay then."

I tentatively took a few steps backwards, eyeing him warily. What a strange man, giving off trash to random people. "Well. I should probably go get that first aid kit before any of your injuries get infected."

Not bothering to hear his response, I dashed back to my bathroom, dumping the strange purple gem (At least I thought it was) on top of my laundry hamper for safekeeping. After I was sure that it wouldn't roll off into oblivion, I dug through my medicine cabinet before finally unearthing the kit I needed. "A-ha!"

With a triumphant smile, I ran back to the door and kicked it open only to have the sight of my messy room greet me.

"Oh."

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(￣꒳￣)

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"How interesting, " Kuroro murmured to himself as he watched the _concerned citizen_ disappear into nothingness. She had said something about picking up a first aid kit to treat him but as soon as she reached the end of the alley—she disappeared in a flash of blue light.

 _Curious._ Some kind of nen perhaps?

With his interest piqued, Kuroro stared at the blood soaked rag she left on his on his hands. He ran a thumb across the scrap of fabric and found that it was a lot softer than it looked and had underlying scent of— _bananas?_

 _Curiouser and curiouser._

It did not escape his notice that she had ripped it off (without any sort of hesitation, he noted) of what minimal clothing she had. How uncharacteristically _kind_ of anyone from Meteor City.

The woman even went out of her way to resuscitate him. She was evidently trained in giving CPR, and Kuroro wondered if she worked at one of the nearby hospitals.

It would perhaps be interesting if he were to track her down one day, if only to return the scrap of cloth.

One day.

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 **EDITTED AS OF 08/13/17**

 **Hello guys! This is my first oc story for HxH. I hope you enjoyed the story so far and I would love to hear feedback as it motivates me to write more! This fic was inspired by the many reincarnation light novel , manga and fanfics I've read! It's not really going to be serious and is more of a parody than anything . Ahaha. It** _ **will**_ **be romance but I'm not sure who I want our protagonist to end up with just yet but I'll be tagging the possible candidates . For now though, I'll be focusing more on story building and funny shenanigans.**

 **The protagonist's name isn't gonna be revealed until the next chapter but her name is Hazuki Taniyama and she's around college age if you were interested.**

 **Please review!**


	2. Scowl X Smile

Σ('◉⌓◉')

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I sat cross-legged on my bed facing the highly suspicious purple gem in front of me, lost in my own thoughts. The fact that _this thing_ was right in front of me defied all sorts of logic. It's not something that's supposed to exist in the first place! I mean, what kind of hallucination left a byproduct?! Of course, there _was_ the possibility that during my bath bomb induced hallucination I left my apartment and robbed a jewelry store blind. But if that were the case, I think I would've long been arrested for theft _and_ public indecency by now.

Needless to say, my record was still spotless so I couldn't have had left my apartment during my _'episode'_.

Unfortunately, this only led me to the other conclusion I could think of—stress. It made perfect sense really; I was a struggling student in a stressful university with a crap ton of papers due, not to mention the biweekly tests I still had to study for. As a result, my poor brain decided to create a mirage to satisfy my much needed eye candy.

 _Yeah! That's definitely it!_

Satisfied at my own conclusion, I decided not to dwell any further on the gift I received and the fact that one of my softest towels was forever ruined. The lesser I thought about the incident the better. After allI still had more pressing matters to attend to, such as my upcoming exam.

 _Ugh._ Just thinking about it made me groan.

With a soft whine, I helplessly looked at the pile of readings littered with colorful post-it notes. I was only half way done studying and the exam was going to be next week already! _University will be the death of me._ Luckily I had the night off from work so I had some time to go through them.

"Alright, you can do this Hazuki!" I lightly slapped my hands against my cheeks to wake myself up. "No more getting distracted!"

.

I gave up after a few hours.

In an attempt to fight off the sleep that was threatening to claim me, I opened another can of coffee to down. It was a good while since I began studying nonstop and the fatigue was finally getting to me. While I was proud to note that I made good progress on my studies, it was unfortunately at the cost of my sleep. From the corner of my eye, I could see that the sky was beginning to tinge into pink and purple, signaling that the sun was about to rise once again.

I died a little more inside.

Glancing at my phone, I nearly cringed at the reminder that my first class was in two hours.

 _Morning classes were the worst._

I looked at my bed, debating the pros and cons of taking a quick nap before I headed off. There was always that risk of not waking up to my alarm and Nishikino-sensei was an _absolute nightmare_ who would throw a fit if I missed a single minute of his lecture. _Yeah_ , it wasn't worth it to sleep right now. With a defeated groan, I headed to the bathroom to take a quick shower before going out, grabbing the pair of clean clothes I laid on my bed. After all, despite my exhaustion, I still wanted to look my best you know?

.

In record time that my mother would've been so proud of that it would send her to tears, I finished my unfortunately brief shower. Wrapped in nothing but a bathrobe and with my hair up in a towel, I stood in front of the sink – ready to do my morning regimen. I fumbled around for my moisturizer but to my immense disappointment, the bottle turned out to be empty. _Ah,_ I threw the empty container in the bin, _Didn't I buy another one some time back ?_

Pushing myself off the sink, I trudged back to my room—only to be greeted by the sight of the interior of an old building as soon as I opened the door.

"What—" I shut the door closed before reopening it after a few seconds but _surprise, surprise_ the scenery still didn't change. "The hell." I stared flatly at the cracks of the pillars of the building, silently wondering if the Powers That Be hated me.

Was I having another episode? I rubbed my eyes, pinched my cheeks and even slapped myself but no matter what I did, I was still there.

Maybe I should just wait this one out again like before? Who knows what kind of trouble I would get into if I started snooping around again like last time? The sudden reminder of the ungrateful pervert made me click my tongue in distaste. I was _still_ sore about how he easily dismissed me, even if he _did_ have a pretty face.

In an instant, a sharp glint in my periphery suddenly tore me away from my musings and before I even realized it- I was knocked back on my butt with the distinct feeling of metal against my throat.

"…Intruder." A soft raspy voice murmured from behind me, pressing the piece of metal a little deeper to the point of discomfort. My eyes flickered to the offending hand that was wrapped around my neck and I stilled. The hand that restrained me was small – never mind the makeshift knife that was dangerously close to my jugular—and thin that it could've only belonged to a child.

Which begged the question— _why was a child trying to murder me?!_

"I'm not anyone suspicious!" It sounded like a typical line from someone who actually _was_ suspicious so I quickly withdrew my claim. "I mean, I just happened to pass by!" I shot my hands up into the air for further emphasis. "You can even check me? See? No weapons!"

A few seconds passed where all I could feel was the palpable tension in the air and the beads of sweat rolling down my temple. I silently prayed to whatever god was up there to at least grant me a small bit of divine intervention that would work in my favor. I mean, beyond all this stroke of misfortune, I deserved even a little bit of luck right?

After what seemed like hours, the knife was withdrawn and I unintentionally let out a big sigh of relief as I sank to my knees. "You shouldn't threaten people like that!" With a renewed sense of courage, I whipped my head to scold the child who nearly made my throat resemble a red fountain. (Later on, once I realized the full gravity of this situation, I would be very thankful that my lack of self-preservation skills hadn't sent my head rolling.)

"…Tch." In front of me stood a boy no taller than my shoulders, who gazed at me with such cautious eyes. In his hand was a knife—probably what he would've used to kill me earlier. My eyes fixated on it for so long that I nearly missed what the he said next. "Leave. You doesn't belong here."

Yeah. I wouldn't argue with that.

I scrambled to get up on my feet and made a mad dash for my bathroom, sparing a minute glance towards the boy. He made no move to pursue me— _good._ Once I was in the safety of my own space I leaned against the door, my breath coming out in pants.

That was scary.

Oh well. At least it was already over. Like last time, I was sure that once I reopened this door I would be back in my own apartment again and simply laugh about this episode before seeking professional help.

Regrettably , life never went the way I wanted it to because no matter how many times I repeatedly opened and closed my bathroom door—I was still faced with the same decrepit interior with the intimidating child just looking at me blankly.

"Um," I licked my lips in nervousness, my eyes darting nervously to the ground. "Sorry. But where exactly is here—Whoa!" I jumped in surprise as I noticed that his face was suddenly very close to mine. _Dangerously close_ if I may add. How exactly did he get so close that fast?! I barely even heard his steps!

Silence reigned between the two of us as he just gazed at me with dark slanted eyes. In another life, this moment would've been a bit romantic but alas, the other party was just a child so I didn't feel anything in particular but awkwardness.

"Weird."

I flinched. _Ouch_. I wasn't _that_ strange!

"You shows up…then suddenly disappears…" He circled around me, his eyes never straying from my form. "These clothes," A hand reached out to tug at my robe and I squeaked in response, swatting his hand away. "Too new."

"You…" He stopped mid stride and leveled me with a steady glare. "Who is you?"

"Actually, it should be _'Who are you'_ ."I opened my dumb mouth to respond.

The boy's cheeks flushed at my correction, his face nearly resembling a tomato. Had he not tried to maul me earlier, I actually would've found it, dare I say— _adorable,_ the same way one would find a hissing cat cute. As if sensing my thoughts, he shot me a dirty look before hissing out "Answers!"

I nearly corrected his grammatical error once more but upon a short reflection I realized that it was perhaps in my best interests to answer his questions. So I quickly closed my mouth and mulled over on what I should respond with. In all honesty, I don't think introducing myself would clear up any misconceptions this boy had about who I was. After all, nobody would ever believe me if I said _'Hi! I'm Hazuki Taniyama and I honestly don't know if this is reality or a hallucination~! 3 Teehee~!'_

See? Even I recoil in disgust just thinking about it.

Thus I wracked my brain for ideas, but the clock was ticking and the boy looked like he was about to shiv me at any moment. And so could you blame me for blurting out the first thing that came to mind? "I'm a bath goddess!"

 _Oh gods._ I wanted to bash my head on the nearest surface. Seriously?! _A bath goddess?!_ What kind of desperate idiot was I to announce such idiocy?! As if anyone would be fooled by my claims!

This was it.

Goodbye sweet and cruel world. It was good to live while it lasted.

"…A bath goddess?" To my surprise however, he lowered his knife a little and stared at me with a glint of curiosity in his gaze.

Seriously?! He bought it that fast?

How…disappointingly easy.

"A bath goddess." I repeated solemnly, keeping up my act because desperate times called for desperate measures and even _I_ knew when to clutch to a life line when I saw it . "In-training." I continued, trying to keep up my credibility. Though in the back of my mind, I was already weeping at how much of a terrible liar I was.

The boy squinted his eyes at me in disbelief and I was _so sure_ that he saw right through my lies. But to my amazement, he sheathed his knife and began looking at me in wonder—thought it was honestly hard to tell with his perpetually constipated face. I mean, really. Did this child even ever smile? "Goddesses…Grants wishes? You comes here to listens to my wishes?" He took a few tentative steps towards me, a little hesitant.

"Er. Sure?" I scratched my cheek and avoided his eyes, frantically hoping that he didn't ask for anything impossible. Suspiciously dangerous child or not, I didn't _want_ to break his heart by disappointing him. As someone who used to believe in Santa Claus, I knew firsthand how upsetting it was to find out that your childhood fantasies were nothing but a big fat lie. "As long as it's within my power, of course."

"Then…" He stared up at me with such hopeful and earnest eyes that I felt my heart clutching at the sight. "Wants t' be stronger!"

"…Ah. I'm sorry." Crap. I sure as hell couldn't grant such a wish. His mouth curled into a small frown and I suddenly felt like such an ass for denying him." That's not under my—er , abilities. But! I'm sure we can find a way!"

"Finds a way?" He blinked, his face smoothing into an impassive expression. He spent a few seconds in contemplation before finally looking at me. Seemingly satisfied with my answer, he nodded in response. "That will do."

I breathed a sigh of relief, silently thanking the Powers That Be for gullible children." Anyways, what's your name kid? I'm Hazuki Taniyama."

"Bath goddesses has name?" He frowned again, as if the concept were completely foreign to him.

"Yeah. It was umm…given to me, by my bath parents." My response made me want to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.

He bobbed his head once before finally replying. "Feitan."

I paused at his succinct introduction. _Feitan?_ What a peculiar name. But somehow I felt like I've heard his name somewhere before. Perhaps in a book I read once? A game? A-

 _Ah, well_! It didn't really matter at the moment. I was sure that I would figure it out later on anyways.

Right?

.

"Do 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats and 10 kilometer running every day and you'll be stronger."

After our brief introduction to each other, Feitan sat me down on a cot (more like glared me into sitting on it) located at a dark corner of what I assumed was abandoned property. A quick survey of the area led me to the conclusion that he probably didn't have any adult looking after him. The clothes that were strewn all over the yellowing moth eaten blankets looked too small to belong to anyone older than him.

He probably had to fend for himself for a long time. That…was kind of sad.

Moved by pity, I raised my hand to give him a pat on the head but his face crumpled into a scowl before plucking my hand away as if it were a piece of trash.

"Can't you just makes me strongest right now?" He huffed, deftly dodging my other hand that attempted to pat him.

"I can't. It doesn't work that way. You need to train if you want to get stronger. There's no shortcut to it. Strength is only born through hardships. So, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats and a 10 kilometer run!" I beamed at him, completely giving up on giving him a head pat as he kept on ducking away from my hand. _Damn._ This kid was tough!

If my advice sounded eerily similar to someone's training regimen, well, let's ignore that detail for now!

This piece of advice seemed to make Feitan think, as his eyes widened at my words. He chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating.

It was actually kind of cute how he took my words to heart. And _okay_ yeah, I was lying through my teeth about the whole goddess thing. _But_ my advice was genuine!

"Ah," I paused to tap my fingers against my chin. "However that might be too hard for a kid. How old are you any way- _seven_? Hm. maybe we can cut it down to 10 push-ups, 10 sit-ups, 10 squats and a five hundred meter run a day?"

" _I'm twelve_." Feitan hissed. The way his hands twitched against his knife holster did not escape my notice.

"Oh. Um. _Right_. Haha. Then we can start with 20 instead? I think that's reasonable?" Belatedly, I realized that my head was still wrapped in a towel. I tugged it free from its restraints, my long locks messily tumbling down to rest on my shoulders. I debated going back to my bathroom (that for some odd reason remained connected to this place as a glowing floating door—although Feitan was unable to see it) to retrieve a hairbrush but I had a feeling that the boy would appreciate my brief disappearance.

Feitan growled as I laughed nervously.

"30 then?" That seemed to appease him.

"Today start." Feitan took a few steps towards the exit but paused to look at me. "You not going with?"

With a start, I jumped to my feet." Wait, let me change first." I couldn't exactly go out looking like an exhibitionist, especially _not_ with a child in tow! But if I had to be honest, it was more like a child with an adult in tow. I was just following Feitan around like a lost duckling since whenever I tried to lead; his scowl would deepen as he increased his pace to walk in front of me once more.

I eventually took Feitan's silence as agreement. He wasn't saying anything _against_ it so I assumed that it would probably be okay _-wait!_ Why was I even asking permission from a child years younger than me?!

"Wait." He yanked my wrist right as I was about to leave. "You no leave?"

"Of course not!" Lies. I would've left at the first chance I got but he didn't have to know that, did he? But much to my chagrin, it wasn't like I could actually _leave_ even if I wanted to. I was stuck here until further notice.

Feitan continued gazing at me, as if searching for something. He narrowed his eyes before inching his face closer to mine.

 _Weird._

"Um," I said.

Seemingly satisfied with my response , he let go of me and said. "…Hn."

Huffing to myself, I went to back my bathroom, silently thanking my earlier decision in bringing my clothes with me to the bathroom. Had I not done so, I would've been stuck with Feitan, parading myself around in nothing but a skimpy bath towel. I shuddered as I quickly changed into them. That was not something I even _wanted_ to think about.

A clink resounded in my otherwise empty bathroom and I whirled my head to find the source of the sound. To my surprise, it was the purple gem I received from last time! _Huh,_ I thought to myself, it _probably got tangled along with my clothes._ I curiously picked it up, rolling it experimentally on my palm before dropping it in my pocket for safekeeping.

"'A'zuki!"

That was perhaps my cue to hurry up.

"I'm coming!"

* * *

 **Feitan's part ended up being a lot longer than expected so I'm cutting it here.**

 **Next chapter will reveal what's actually happening! I'll try to update at least once in 2 weeks. Haha Thank you to those two who left me a review on chapter 1. To everyone, reading this ; please leave reviews, they motivate me to write more! I'd love to know what you guys think so far!**

 **Random trivia: In case you haven't noticed , I'll be parodying a lot of popular series. This fic was heavily inspired by the light novel called Bath Goddess , so if it seems familiar it's because of that!**

' **Til next time guys!**


	3. Affection X Apprehension

(((( ;°Д°))))

* * *

As expected, Feitan's training did not go well as he thought it would.

Unfortunately this revelation did not settle well with the boy as he stubbornly attempted to finish the regimen I gave him on a whim. Feeling some semblance of guilt, I tried to convince him to take a break but he just looked at me as if I had grown another head. He pointedly ignored me afterwards, determinedly setting out to finish what he started. It was a very commendable trait, mind you, and I would have sung him praises in another context.

But this was not the time for such persistence.

After a few more unsuccessful attempts on my part to coax him to rest, I rolled my eyes in exasperation as I went back to sit at the old rickety bench I previously occupied. It looked like that the chances of Feitan listening to me were rather slim—I might as well save my energy and time right?

A few minutes passed wherein I simply watched Feitan struggling to push himself off the floor, his small frame trembling under the sheer stress of what he was putting himself through. Despite my vexation on his dismissal of my good advice, I still stood up from my seat, ready to go to him at a moment's notice. Even with his claims that he was more than capable of completing thirty push-ups, I had a nagging feeling that something _bad_ would happen because of his insistence.

Lo and behold, as soon as he reached his fourteenth push-up; he suddenly fell limp to the ground with a painfully loud thud.

"Fei!" In an instant, I was by his side frantically shaking his shoulders.

 _God damn it Hazuki,_ I berated myself, _this is what you get for deceiving suspiciously murderous children!_

I mentally noted _not_ to claim I was a bath goddess the next time I went to another dimension— _if there was a next time_.

Relief flooded my senses as I heard him groan weakly. "Don't scare me like that!" I cried, hooking my hands around his shoulders to prop him against the wall – but I startled when I noticed how light he was. Feitan was twelve years old, but he was alarmingly as light as a feather. With this kind of weight, there was absolutely no way that he was eating healthy. Quickly forgetting about my earlier doubts of my safety around the suspiciously murderous child, I yanked his sleeves to inspect his wrists.

My suspicions were proved to be correct as I noticed how his skin clung to his bones with nary a trace of fat as I pushed his sleeve higher. His skin was dry and a closer inspection revealed that his lips were chapped as well – signs indicating that he was both malnourished _and_ dehydrated.

"It _Feitan_. Not Fei." He gave me a feeble glare, hastily withdrawing his arms from mine before rolling his sleeves down. "Training no done. Too early to rest."

"But Fei sounds much more endearing don't you think?" I huffed, not really paying attention to his words as I was too busy inspecting him for any injuries he might've sustained. Of course, Feitan growled and snapped at me that he was _not_ endearing and that I should stop treating him like a child just because he was short but I quickly tuned his voice out in favor of assessing his physical condition.

Had I been paying more attention, I would've noticed the barely perceptible flush on Feitan's cheeks the whole time I was looking him over. Unfortunately, I would only find out about this particular trait in the distant future.

For now, I was blissfully unaware of the implications of my actions and the impact it would have on him.

Finally done with his grumblings, Feitan made a move to stand up, swatting my hands away rudely in the process. But before he could even take a single step, his knees buckled and he almost fell down face first had I not caught him in my arms in time. (Strangely enough, I had a moment of deja vu but chose not to dwell on it any further.) Feitan just stared up at me in surprise before his face twisted into a scowl. But he made no attempt to get up as he perhaps realized how overworked his nonexistent muscles were. He opened his mouth—I assume to hiss and glower at me some more, let's be real here—but he promptly passed out from fatigue, his head lolling back to rest against my shoulder.

And so this was how I found myself with a bundle of _'joy'_ in my arms, stranded in an unknown plane of existence.

By gods, who did I offend in my past life for this to happen?

I sighed in frustration, deftly rearranging Feitan into a more comfortable position with his head resting on my lap. Even if I _was_ wary around this perpetually frowning child, I wasn't coldhearted enough to dump him on the dirty pavement that I was eyeing in distaste. Who knew what kind of disease he would pick up from laying down on it? _Besides_ , he needed a good rest as I was sure that his muscles would be very _very_ sore once he woke up.

With Feitan asleep on my lap, I could say that he made a startlingly adorable child once the frown was absent from his face. If he just didn't speak so harshly and stare daggers so much, I was sure that he'd be a child that everyone doted on.

...Somehow, the idea of Feitan smiling so brightly was rather distressing so I quickly redirected my attention somewhere else.

A lock of Feitan's hair suddenly fell against his face and as if by reflex, my hand shot out to gently tuck it behind his ear. But I quickly withdrew my hand away once it made contact with his head. _Yeesh_ _,_ when was the last time this kid washed his hair?! Usually in situations like this, you would expect someone to say something like "His hair was surprisingly soft" or "His hair was as smooth as silk". Sadly, neither of those were applicable to the young boy as his hair was dry and tangled; a testament to the kind of life he lived.

My heart clenched in pity at the thought of Feitan living a much harsher life than I imagined. If my assumptions were correct, he was probably a homeless orphan who had to fend for himself. And that was just _so sad_ , he—no; no one deserved to be alone in this world.

So in attempt to be a good adult and at least do one nice thing for him that didn't involve deceit, I began stroking his hair like my own mother used to when I was a child. It was a bit awkward at first since my fingers would immediately get tangled in his locks but I eventually devised a system that would allow me to unknot his hair as my hands would card through it. Luckily, patience _was_ one of my virtues so I steadily worked my way into fixing his hair, careful not to wake the sleeping boy. For a while I debated going back to my bathroom to get a brush but decided that the trip wasn't worth the risk of waking him up.

The task took longer than expected and intrusive thoughts of never being able to go back home filled my head. It wasn't something I wanted to dwell on at the moment so I began humming songs I liked—albeit, off key, to distract myself from thinking about such things.

In the stories I read, by now, the protagonist would've been thrown to the thick of the plot or exciting events. She wouldn't have a hard time navigating the unknown world, since she would immediately meet plot relevant characters and would be the key to their victory—or downfall, if you were feeling particularly antagonistic.

However , such things did not happen to me. All I've ever encountered so far was a dismissive pervert and an equally dismissive child bent on becoming stronger.

"This is getting me nowhere…" I murmured out loud, as I finally straightened out Feitan's locks. In the distance, I could see the moon casting a dim light over the building we were in; its faint glow slowly lulling me to sleep.

I had too many questions but not a single answer. Thinking about them just led me into circles.

 _Oh well,_ I thought to myself as I felt the last wisps of consciousness leave me, _tomorrow is another day._

 _I'm sure I'll find a way home by then._

* * *

(ಠ益ಠ)

* * *

Feitan awoke in the middle of the night to the odd feeling of his hair being manhandled. His first instinct, like every other street rat in Meteor City, was to eliminate the source of the offending stimulus, preferably in a bloody and violent manner. The general rule of thumb in Meteor City was to kill _first_ then ask questions later. Naturally, Feitan was no different.

Except, the way his head was being stroked felt so _nice_ yet strange that he was momentarily lost on what he should do next. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have hesitated to rip the limbs off the person who dared touch him (He didn't survive years in this pit of a city for nothing). But there was something oddly reassuring about the way the warm hands were gently brushing against him. Rather than alarm, Feitan felt, dare he say it – _at peace._

Feitan had never been so mortified in his entire life.

Cracking an eye open to gauge the situation, he nearly startled in surprise as he stared up at the profile of Hazuki who was humming like a bird being strangled to death—not that he would _know_ what a bird being strangled sounded like. But as soon as she turned her head, he quickly shut his eyes, feigning sleep. He honestly didn't know _why_ he did such a thing instead of dumping her body at the nearest landfill for doing such an atrocity against him and having the audacity to violate his ears with her terrible singing .

 _Tsk_ , he probably couldn't do that since as far as he knew, goddesses were _supposed_ to be immune to mortal attacks.

Bu that didn't mean he wouldn't _at least_ _try._

The sounds of soft snoring tore him away from his musings and he risked another glance at Hazuki, craning his neck to take a better look at her. An amused huff almost left his lips as he noticed the drool that pooled at the corner of her lips as her face twisted into a foolishly relaxed expression while she slept soundly.

 _How careless,_ he thought to himself. He could slit her throat right now and she wouldn't even notice it.

Ignoring the way his muscles screamed in protest—while overlooking the way he actually began missing Hazuki's warmth—he slowly reached for the knife strapped against his thighs before positioning himself upright. He lazily twirled it in his hands as he watched the rhythmic rise and fall of the goddess' chest, reflecting on that day's rather momentous events.

His day started off as it normally would; he woke up at noon , stole from the local bakery when he felt hungry, went through the dumpster for anything valuable he could still use and went home by dusk – only to walk in on a half-naked woman who stuck out like a sore thumb. His first reaction was to threaten her away from his territory to which she thankfully complied as he wasn't really in the mood to fight anyone that day. She was instantly gone in a flash but reappeared a few seconds later – claiming to be a goddess.

 _A bath goddess of all things!_

He was honestly inclined to shiv her then and there when she came back because she was just being plain ridiculous and he didn't know _where_ to look at her scantily clad body— _seriously_ , did this woman have no shame ?! However when he assessed the girl further, he discovered that she had a notable lack of presence – even a _rat_ of all things had more presence than she did— and an uncanny ability to disappear and reappear like an unwanted fungus.

This was what ultimately convinced him of her otherworldliness.

It made sense, really. Both her clothes and body were _too_ clean and smooth to belong to anyone who resided in this trash heap of a city. As such, he could only deduce that she was most likely an outsider—and outsiders didn't just _wander_ into Meteor City unless they specifically knew where to find it. Even then, they couldn't simply saunter this deep into the city unscathed.

Given her state of undress, he was certain that before she could even reach this part of the city, she would have already been feasted on by the unsavory residents—in more ways than one.

Somehow, the idea of Hazuki being put in such a situation left a bad taste in Feitan's mouth, making him scowl in annoyance. Was he actually beginning to – _heaven forbid_ —care for her?!

 _No._ That was stupid. He didn't care about her.

He leveled another glare at the goddess as if everything was her fault before shaking his head rapidly as if to clear his head. Once she outlived her usefulness, he was more than willing to send her off her merry way to do more goddess work or whatever it was that goddesses did in their free time.

Out of spite, Feitan crashed his head against Hazuki's thighs, earning a loud squeak from the girl who briefly woke up due to the impact. He settled on her lap comfortably, using it as a makeshift pillow once more as he drowned the sound of her complaints.

 _Ah_. Revenge was sweet.

* * *

( ̵˃﹏˂̵ )

* * *

Morning came and I blankly stared at the rising sun. I had no doubts that there were dark circles under my eyes by now, thanks to a certain cheeky brat.

After Feitan's – ugh , _that brat's_ —not so gentle wakeup call at an ungodly hour in the morning, I was unable to get a proper wink of sleep as he kept on shifting on my lap, making it difficult for me to stay asleep for more than a few minutes at a time.

I had a nagging feeling that he was doing this on purpose.

"Heh. Morning good , A'zuki." Feitan yawned as he sat up, exaggeratedly stretching his arms as if to taunt me with his fitful sleep.

 _That damn brat!_

"Why Fei," I cooed, brushing my hands against his head to which his shoulders shook in surprise. "You've still got bedhead." I ran my fingers through his locks before tucking a strand behind his ear. Ha! Two can play at this game, boy! Don't you dare underestimate adults!

"Tch. Hands off...Also it _Feitan_. Not Fei." He sent me a glower, batting my hand away as he stood up. He patted the dust away from his pants before looking at me, his head tilted to the side as if in thought. However as I was about to ask why he was gazing at me so intently, he turned his back to me and began walking in the direction of the door.

"Hey, where are you going?!" I asked, scrambling to catch up to him. _Geez_. This kid had no chill. Even his walking pace was too fast for me to catch up to.

"Food. Get." He replied simply, not bothering to look back. "You stays here."

"Oh. Okay." I wasn't about to argue with that. Even _I_ knew not to meander around a strange world so carelessly.

 _Wait_. He was gonna get food? Did he _even_ have enough money to buy food for the both of us?!

"Hang on! Don't leave yet! "Feeling bad at the thought of Feitan spending money for me, I tugged at the hem of his shirt while simultaneously digging through my pockets (an impressive feat even for me). He paused midstride as he impatiently waited—I could tell from the way he was irritably tapping his foot against the pavement. However, a cursory dig in my pocket only revealed loose change and a stick of gum I forgot to take out. I doubted that my money was the proper currency for this universe so I burrowed my hand deeper for anything useful he could sell in exchange for whatever currency it was they used here. Something cold and round bumped against my fingers and I hastily took it out. "Here, sell this!"

It was the small purple gem I received last time. It looked valuable enough that I hoped it was as precious as the dismissive pervert made me believe. Maybe this could fetch a decent price enough for at least a week's worth of food?

Feitan warily glanced at the small pearl as he took it, rolling it experimentally on his palm. He looked at it as if it were about to grow a mouth and bite his hand off. _Sheesh_. Give me some credit kid! I wouldn't give you anything suspicious!

For a moment, he just stared at the gem impassively then bobbed his head once then made his way to the door. But he hesitated at the last moment before walking back to me.

"Here." He shoved his makeshift knife at my face, barely missing my nose. _That was dangerous!_ "I let you borrow this."

"Huh?" I blinked dumbly, opening my hands to gingerly receive the item. I made sure to touch it only by the hilt as the blade looked sharp enough to nick my skin if I wasn't being careful.

There were dried up brown splotches that caked the entire knife but I chose not to say anything about it. Instead, I sent Feitan what I thought was a grateful smile. "Thank you, Fei?" Unfortunately, the way Feitan's face twisted into a grimace made me assume that my smile was far from grateful.

 _Whoops._

"You weak." He said as if it were the obvious explanation in the world, making me wilt in shame. How rude. I wasn't _that_ weak! Just because I wasn't as insanely fast as he was nor was I as bloodthirsty didn't mean I was incapable of anything else.

I opened my mouth to defend myself but out of nowhere, Feitan produced _another_ knife in his hands, inserting it into his thigh holster as if it were the most normal thing in the world to do.

I gawked like a chicken mid-flight.

 _W-Why does he have so many knives?! More importantly, why the hell would he need a knife when he was just going out to buy food?!_

"You needs protection even if goddess. Because you weak." Without even waiting for my response, he left as quickly as he had shoved the makeshift weapon onto my hands.

"Um," I stared at the empty spot in front of me, still bewildered, the knife awkwardly dangling from my fingers. "Right…Okay."

Once my initial shock was gone, I heaved a sigh of exasperation as I crumpled to the floor with my back settling comfortably (as can be) against the wall in a pitiful attempt to get some much deserved sleep. Now that the perpetually dour boy was gone, I figured that this would be a good time to rest up. However as luck would have had it, my bladder told me otherwise and I found myself rushing to my bathroom to relieve myself.

After finishing my _business,_ I staggered out like a drunken sailor, my mind muddled with sleep. Not really paying any attention to my surroundings, I groped my way back to the corner I tried to nap at earlier as I was very eager to get some shut-eye before Feitan returned—as I was sure that he would badger me _again_ about making him stronger. But instead of feeling the decrepit and cracked walls pressing against my fingertips, my hand was met with the smooth texture of— _wallpaper?_

"What the—"My eyes widened in surprise as I took in my surroundings. To my astonishment, I was back in my room as if I didn't leave in the first place. Everything was still in its place; my books were still all over my desk ( I died a little inside at the reminder that I _still_ had an exam in a few days) , empty cans of coffee were still crammed in the trash bin and my phone was still plugged to the outlet.

I quickly dove for my phone as I hurriedly checked for the time. It was only 6: 43 in the morning and I was sure that I entered the bath at around 6:13, meaning I was gone for approximately thirty minutes.

 _Only thirty minutes?! But I spent at least a day over at whatever the hell that place was!_

My phone suddenly beeped and I noticed the flood of notifications that filled my inbox. "Ah!" I had a couple of texts too from my friends and in my haste to read all of them; I accidentally clicked another notification resulting to a web page loading in my browser.

Huffing in frustration, I moved to swipe it close but the article's title caught my eye.

' _Hunter x Hunter to return from hiatus!'_

Huh. Well. That was nice, _I guess_? I used to read the manga when I was younger but I didn't really follow the series as the constant hiatus put me off from continuing it. The significant lack of immediate closure to story arcs turned me off as well and I just never bothered picking it up again.

Temporarily forgetting about my worries over my tendency to visit other dimensions—I shamefully admit that I had a knack for having the _wrong_ priorities—I scrolled through the page, keenly scanning through the text. There was nothing really noteworthy about it as it simply mentioned the mangaka being well enough— _good for him_ —to continue drawing the series but a certain illustration made me freeze in place.

It was a picture of the Phantom Troupe with two particular members looking eerily familiar to me. They appeared very similar to the dismissive pervert and the suspiciously murderous child if not a couple of years older. A quick google search on the members of the infamous troupe helped me remember their identities—Kuroro Lucilfer, the spider's _danchou_ and Feitan , the small but deadly interrogator of the group.

I felt my blood run cold as my phone slipped from my grasp, dropping to the floor with a soft thud.

This—This just wasn't possible!

 _There was just no friggin' way that I saw two members of the Phantom Troupe in 3D!_

* * *

 **Feitan's chapter ended up being a lot longer than I expected. Phew! Something I'd like to stress out though is that Hazuki hasn't won Feitan over yet. He's just a lonely kid starved for affection so he mistakes his own seeking for affection from Hazuki (since she's one of the rare individuals who's actually nice to him) as an emotional attachment. BUT. This is meant as a light hearted parody humor fic so take everything with a grain of salt!**

 **Anyways, I drew a couple of art for this fic , so if you want to check them out, you can do so over by checking out my deviantart account under the same username : yagisa . Idk how to link stuff so if you're having difficulties accessing it, just drop me a PM ! I made a cover ****, an illustration for ch 01 and another one showing Hazuki in her casual wear! I'll be frequently updating that account for small comics, sketches and etc for this fic so you can check those out too if you're interested**!

 **Again, as usual, I would LOVE to know what you think about this chapter so far and the illustrations I made! I tried to make Hazuki as cute as possible. Ahaha. Since that's her only good point—being somewhat good looking.**

 **Thank you so much too to the people who reviewed, faved and followed this fic! Your feedback and support motivates me a lot to write more! So please do leave a review as it motivates me A LOT to write and draw more for this ! ^^**

 **One last thing, I posted a poll on my profile on who you guys think Hazuki should meet next. I already have a couple of ideas in mind but I would also love to know who you want Hazuki to meet next!**

 **Please Review!**


	4. Sense X Sensibility

（＊〇□〇）…！

* * *

After my 'chance' run-in with Feitan and the revelation that my bathroom was a freaking portal to Hunter x Hunter—a fact I was still _very_ much sore about – I did the next most logical thing anyone would (probably) do in my situation.

I blew my savings on all volumes of the manga and binge read the series. _Alright._ Fine. That sounded pretty dumb even to my own ears but I was a firm believer of the phrase 'knowledge itself is power'. It wasn't wise to just blindly make my way through a world without having some sort of information about it. The least I could do was familiarize myself with the names and faces of characters most likely to kill me in a painful and gruesome manner, so that I could avoid them like the plague.

 _Even if the lot of them were painfully good-looking_ , a traitorous part of my mind supplied.

Unfortunately, I was nowhere near halfway finishing the manga as I had only managed to read eleven volumes in one night, dutifully ignoring the approaching date of my exam as there were much more pressing issues at hand.

Like getting my bathroom fixed for instance. Since it wasn't well, you know, _supposed to be connecting to anywhere else_ _but my own room_.

I briefly wondered if there was some sort of inter-dimensional plumber that had services that catered to my needs.

Chewing my lips in contemplation, I sneaked a wary glance at my bathroom's door for the fifth time in the past hour, worried that some fictional character would burst out like a madman. Although to be fair, nearly _all_ the characters in Hunter x Hunter had some varying degrees of madness. After all, I had read enough about them to know that their abilities' surpassed the realm of human possibilities and understanding.

In other words, a lot of them were _too_ overpowered.

"Why," I groaned, massaging my temples in exasperation. "Couldn't my bathroom be a portal to a much more peaceful series than this?" Like you know, a shoujo manga, _instead_ of some freaking shounen manga that was far _too violent_ for my tastes wherein losing a limb or two was but a _flesh wound_. I mean was it too much to ask for that I at least be given a choice in the universe I would be thrown into?

Getting thrown into an otome game* sounded pretty appealing right now. At least in that universe, my only concern would be my ever growing reverse harem of good-looking men who would love me no matter my flaw—actually, _no_. You know what? Never mind. I've read enough reincarnation light novels* to realize that being thrown into a world that's not yours always had its catch.

Got reincarnated into your favorite dating game? Oh whoops. Looks like you reincarnated as a character that was doomed to die. Got reincarnated as a main character? Good luck. All of your love interests have an unhealthy obsession for you and would _literally_ kill for your sake— _yikes._

Can you see my dilemma?

So as much as I adored the 'reincarnating into your favorite series' genre ,that didn't mean I _wanted_ it to happen in real life.

There was a reason it was called _fiction_ in the first place.

It didn't even make sense now that I think about it. It was one thing to suddenly be dumped into a franchise you loved or were at least highly familiar with as _a lot_ of reincarnations stories were wont to do. And it was another thing altogether to be placed in a series that you only had a _very_ brief passing fancy for. To be completely honest, I didn't even make it past the Yorkshin arc when I first read Hunter x Hunter. _Heck_ , I barely even recall the main quartet's names! The only one I remembered after all this time was Hisoka and even then I only knew him as the 'pedoclown' who perved on the main characters just by being himself _._

A shudder ran through my shoulders as I thought of the possibility of running into Hisoka . That was definitely a meeting I _never_ wanted to happen. As much as I think it would be fun to relive my childhood (no matter how brief my Hunter x Hunter phase was) and go on small scale adventures with the main four, the looming threat posed by homicidal assassins, perverted _and_ homicidal clowns, and creatures of unusual sizes was enough for me to quickly dismiss that idea.

After all, I didn't particularly feel like dying a bloody and violent death any time soon.

With a defeated sigh, I reluctantly rolled over to the edge of my bed to make my way to the bathroom, dragging my feet as I went. For the past few days, due to my worry of being transported into another world for the third time, I had to swallow my pride and shame, resorting to the use of the public bath*. Granted, it wasn't as bad as I made it sound and there was the bonus of having the vending machine stocked with my favorite brand of coffee milk. But it just _wasn't the same_ as using my own tub , you know?

Eventually, I realized that my daily trip to the local bath was far too time consuming and ate at my time to study and mull over my situation. After a short debate with myself, I finally decided to use my bathroom rationalizing that _maybe_ this time would be different.

And since I was _no_ idiot, mind you, I set up numerous countermeasures in order to avoid last time's _momentous events_ —for a lack of better term. A long and thorough reflection (read : 5 minutes tops) on my circumstance made me come to the conclusion that my door _only_ connected to other places when it was closed _and_ re-opened , which meant that so long as I didn't close my door, I was safe!

 _Probably_.

But it was worth a shot wasn't it?

With my bathroom door tied to my sink and with a piece of rock acting as a door stopper, I at last had a chance to enjoy a warm soak in my bathtub after what seemed like hundreds of years – I exaggerate of course but _please_ allow me this small indulgence.

At that moment, I was honestly beginning to feel proud of myself. I mean, have you ever heard of a protagonist outsmarting the plot of her own story? I was _actually_ effectively able to stay one step ahead of the unknown forces that thought it would be a good idea to dump me in the world of Hunters by stopping the catalyst of this entire fiasco!

"Ha! Take that, Powers That Be!" I pumped my fist into the air as I declared my short-lived victory to no one in particular.

Unfortunately, there _was_ such a thing as Murphy's Law and so I quickly found myself tripping on air as I flailed about like an uncoordinated monkey before crashing my head painfully against the door, making it close with a loud thud, despite my precautions.

I won't even begin to try and explain _how_ it happened because even _I_ don't understand. Just know that through some convenient and contrived plot device—I suspected divine intervention—I managed to untie my door loose _and_ kick my impromptu door stopper away.

"Ow!" I hissed in pain as my hands fumbled around to look for a surface that would help prop myself up from my sprawled position on the floor. Something cold and metallic brushed against my hands and without thinking much about the consequences – something I was frequently guilty of lately—I pushed down on it.

I recognized it as the doorknob a second too late.

 _Why_ , I snarked to myself , _was I even still surprised ?_

I should've learned by now that someone up there _really_ hated me so at this point I shouldn't have been flabbergasted at the sight that lay beyond my door.

 _But really?_ Could you blame me for shrieking when I found my face centimeters away from a fur clad butt?

* * *

((╬●∀●)

* * *

Uvogin was not having a good day.

Although to be fair, there was very _rarely_ a good day in Meteor City so it wasn't that big of a deal to have a bad day every now and then. This day however, was just the _absolute_ worst so far.

It started off when he and Nobunaga got into a little spat – it was mostly his _own fault_ really, but he was just too damn ashamed to admit it—and continued on when he ran into a bunch of small fries who thought it would be a good idea to pick a fight with him. Sometimes, he would question the sanity of those foolishly daring shit-faced punks who'd challenge him but it didn't really matter in the end as he would always defeat them regardless.

Besides, if they stopped picking fights with him, he would be _deathly bored_!

And a bored Uvogin was _worse_ than a regular Uvogin.

Just ask Nobunaga. He would know.

So like any other afternoon, he found himself cornered in a dark alley, far from prying eyes (a clichéd set up he was beginning to tire off, couldn't these people at least try to be a little more creative?) , surrounded by at least thirty people.

Naturally, he beat them all to a pulp with ease.

Until some punk decided it would be a good fucking idea to ram him into a trash bin that was _far_ too small for him to fit in and made of surprisingly strong material that even he had a trouble of breaking through.

Despite the handicap, he still emerged victorious by means of rolling on them like a bulldozer while he was still in the bin.

 _Ridiculous_. But it worked.

.

Unfortunately, half an hour later and after gloating to the empty alley about his victory, he was _still_ stuck, rolling around like an idiot in a pitiful attempt to break free.

"Eeeeep!" A rather feminine sounding voiced shrieked from somewhere behind him and he startled, rolling back like an overturned turtle to face in what he hoped was her direction. The gap between his body and the rim of the bin didn't really leave him with much of a view.

"Hey!" He boomed at her, careful to make his voice less loud than what the norm was for him. Unfortunately, to a regular bystander it was _still_ loud and Uvogin noticed the girl – at least based on her dainty and tiny feet—shuffle backwards from him in uncertainty. Nobunaga had warned him before about his tendency to frighten women due to his large stature and intimidating voice.

Uvogin wished he had paid more attention that lecture more than ever.

"Wait , uh, hey, don't leave!" He tried again, pitching his voice higher, reminiscent of a dying dolphin, in an attempt to appear less threatening.

A few seconds passed with only uncomfortable silence between the two of them.

"...You were supposed to at least acknowledge that with a laugh or something, " Uvogin was thankful that she couldn't see how red his ears were at the moment. "C'mon, don't leave me hanging here with just radio silence. I'm gettin' embarrassed."

"Ah," She blinked . "Haha?"

"I don't know who you are but this," He tried to gesture with his arms but ended up rolling on the dirt instead. "Never happened, got it?"

A pause, then . "…Yeah."

"Now get it off." He gruffly commanded before breathing a sigh of relief when he noted the shuffling of feet towards him.

Regrettably, life was very rarely easy and so the two quickly found themselves at an impasse.

The trash bin wouldn't budge at all no matter how much the two pushed and pulled at it and Uvogin soon found his very thin patience wearing thin.

"I-I need a break," The girl moaned in defeat, resting her body against the bin.

Uvogin was not appreciative of the slight shift in weight of the cursed piece metal. "Yeah? Well go do it somewhere else. _Tsk_. I swear you're as weak as an infant. How did you even survive this long?" His irritation was getting the better of him but he felt no urge to apologize for stating the truth.

He wished Nobunaga were here instead of this girl.

"Excuse me?" She bristled, and Uvogin felt her lean away from the accursed bin. "Is this the kind of thanks I'm getting?"

"Thanks are for people who actually do something you know." He growled. "All you've done is moan and groan."

"Wha- _that is it_!" She hissed, kicking the dirt next to him. The sound of tiny feet stomping away echoed in Uvogin's metal chamber of doom.

"Wha- Hey ! Where the hell do you think you're going?! You can't just leave me here!"

Minutes passed without any hint of the girl returning and an uncomfortable pit began to settle at the bottom of Uvogin's stomach.

He was an idiot. A big idiot.

He just let his only chance at freedom get away!

Now, he wouldn't be able to go home to Nobunaga.

Was his friend even worried about him ? Probably not. Considering their earlier spat . Why did he—

"Gaaah! W-What the hell ?!" Something soft, wet, and _slimy_ was rubbing against the spot where his body met the mouth of the trash bin.

Needless to say, Uvogin was _disgusted._ While the man was not the epitome of hygiene – a rare standard in Meteor City—he still felt a certain revulsion at the sudden contact.

"Hey, stay still!" A familiar voice warned, thumping the sides of the stupid metal contraption for emphasis. "I'm trying to free you here!"

"Free me?!" Uvogin spluttered, wildly rolling around in the dirt in an attempt to shake off the sickening slime the girl was smearing onto his arms and back in a rather generous amount. Uvogin knew that he wasn't exactly known for his sanitary habits, but that didn't mean that he was appreciative of having some unknown substance coated on his person.

"Don't be so stubborn and stay still!" The girl hissed and he felt something soft, warm _and disgustingly slippery_ slip past the hem of the bin. But before he could even let out a protest, the sight of an adorably flustered girl with red puffed out cheeks surprised him.

At that moment, Uvogin fell in love.

* * *

(*´∀`*)

* * *

"So I said, hey, maybe we _shouldn't_ have fish for dinner! I mean, we already had fish for like what, 7 days in a row! And maybe we should have meat for once! _Fish is for losers!_ Don't you think so, Hazuki ?" The last part was said almost adoringly and I could feel the _endearment_ that was rolling off Uvogin in waves.

Big, violent waves.

Somebody up there must indeed hate me.

First of all, it didn't make sense for my bathroom to be a portal to a fictional series. Second , it _also_ didn't make sense that my third encounter with the _fiction_ was with a plot important character .

Everything lined up too neatly and conveniently.

It was as if I were a protagonist of those reincarnation light novel I love. One would argue that being dumped into another world, no matter how temporary meant ,that there was a specific reason I was there. But I didn't want to pursue that line of thinking any further at the moment and so I opted to respond to Uvogin, who was still looking at me like a love sick puppy.

A large, rabid , love sick puppy.

To be honest, it felt…odd, to be on the other end of such a stare. Flattering of course, but, still, _odd._

"Fish is good for you," I said sagely, tucking a lock of stray hair behind my ear. "Too much meat can cause fat to build up in your blood vessels, which can lead to some illness like heart attacks. You should listen to your friend. He's looking out for you."

Alternatively , I could've just agreed with him and have him eat all the meat in the world for a pre-mature cardiac arrest but I didn't want to mess with canon if I could help it. If ever I did, it would be with some careful planning and manipulations—

Oh let's face it. I'm just _me_. I'm only book smart and not half as clever as a reincarnation protagonist should be, nor half as pretty.

I was just an average Japanese woman who wanted to survive college.

Besides, it's not like such a far-fetched plan would work that easily. It would take _years_ for a plaque to build up in his bloodstream.

Uvogin momentarily looked at me like I had grown another head , before his face split into a grin. "Wow, Hazuki, ya sure are smart just as you are pretty! You should meet my pal Nobunaga! I'm sure you two would get alon' ! I'm glad it was you who helped me out back there!" But then a scowl crossed his features. "I'd introduce ya to 'im but we kinda…fought."

I knew I was going to regret this but I really had nothing better to do until my bathroom decided to send me home. "Um," I hesitantly looked at him from my spot on the rubble I was seated at. "I could listen to your troubles , if you'd like?"

I was instantly rewarded with a bright grin and long winded tale of a teenage spat between two future phantom troupe members. It was a long confusing story but in a nutshell, Uvogin felt like Nobunaga was nagging him too much lately, and the meat versus fish argument was the last straw. Oh and Uvogin accidentally sat on Nobunaga's precious dagger, breaking it into irreparable pieces.

How his butt was still fine after that was beyond me.

Throughout the entire conversation, I could feel Uvogin inching closer to me , and I would scoot away in response. It was amusing but even the members of the ever notorious Phantom Troupe was not immune to the wonders of teenage hormones.

But I was still scared shitless.

"Thanks Hazuki," He gave me a soft smile (Which was a shit-eating grin in Uvogin standards) and I just stared at him flatly. "That made me feel better. I think I know what we should do next!"

"Good for you." I quipped, not really paying attention, missing the glint in his eyes. "Wait, what, _we_?"

My heart sank into pit of my stomach.

"Yeah, we're gonna apologize to Nobu!"

" _We_?!" I spluttered, putting some distance between the two of us.

All I received in response was a large smile before Uvogin carted me off on his shoulders like some uncivilized Neanderthal.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **As this is a loving parody of Japanese Isekai Light Novels, there are some occasional jabs and references to that. Otome games (lit. maiden games) are a genre of visual novels with multipath routes/ stories where the goal is pretty much to date the guys involved. It's a common theme in isekai novels targeted towards women for women in our world to get reincarnated / transported into otome games. As is common in SI OC fics, they change canon drastically as well.**

 **If you're unfamiliar with it, Public Baths are a thing in Japan so it's not unusual for Hazuki to go to one. They usually have vending machines and other amenities for people to enjoy their baths.**

 **I'm so sorry that I disappeared for nearly a year. A lot of things happened to me irl and I was in a very bad place. Last year, I was in my last year of university completing my internship at different sites. It was very stressful and I had such a hard time with my life. A lot of problems piled up and I just honestly wanted to quit everything. It's no excuse but I felt like because I was always in a state of weariness and I was always sad, I couldn't fully write this fic, which was meant to be happy and light-hearted. Now that I'm feeling a bit better, I decided to finish this story.**

 **Also, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in helping me beta future chapters?**

 **Reviews make my day. Thanks.**


	5. Truths X Fabrications

(；๏д๏)

* * *

Contrary to popular belief, Uvogin was not an idiot.

Sure, he wasn't exactly the brightest crayon in the box but that didn't mean that he was incapable of making sound judgements and displaying remarkable problem solving skills from time to time. If anything, he was simply a bit daft and had a rather one track mind when it came to food and fights.

Nobunaga, being Uvogin's best friend (and perhaps only friend) for the past couple of years was aware of this, and as such,trusted in his friend's decisions and life choices.

But that didn't mean that he was supportive of _all_ of Uvo's life choices.

In particular, Nobunaga wasn't appreciative of how Uvogin – bless his large heart—had apologized to him with a stranger in tow, claiming her to be their new _buddy._ Nobunaga had eyed her from head to toe in barely concealed distaste and wariness, as he made an assessment of her. The woman…was fairly pretty, he supposed, with an oddly nervous disposition as she fidgeted anxiously while her eyes darted between himself and Uvo.

But what bothered him the most was her _softness._ She was soft, _unnaturally soft_ and, and _clean._ And Meteor City did not host such _soft_ women. If anything, this dump of a city only gave birth to street rats and the scummiest of scum, hardened by the unforgiving environment they were in.

But lo and behold, this girl stood here, in their own home (Uvogin insisted it was a home when really, it was just a small ragtag shack they had built), looking at him with a soft yet nervous gaze that no one born and raised in Meteor City should ever have.

It put Nobunaga on edge.

Faster than anyone could comprehend, he was by the woman's side, pressing a sharpened wood against her jugular. He inched his face near her own to the point that wispy strands of his hair brushed against her skin.

She smelled…sweet, it was kind of nice, and if he just inched a little closer then—

Nope. Nobunaga was not going there.

Damn this woman and her womanly wiles!

"Uvo," A strangled voice left his throat and Nobunaga turned to his friend. "This girl's bad news. Don't you see what she's doing? She's trying to seduce us and then kill us in our sleep. I've heard of some gangs using this trick to expand their territory. "

The woman spluttered, her face a bright shade of red. "I—Wha—I am _not_ seducing you!"

"She's trying to seduce _you_ Uvo." Nobunaga quickly corrected.

A dust of pink settled on Uvo's cheeks. "Oh, Hazuki! _Shucks ._ You're makin' me blush. No one's ever tried to seduce me before and lived. Maybe you'll be the first!"

" _I am not seducing anyone!"_ Soft and dainty hands curled around Nobunaga's rough ones but before it could even fully wrap around it, he withdrew from her, as if he'd been scalded.

"Your womanly wiles won't work on me! _Back_ woman, _back!_ " He shrieked as he put on an offensive stance. "I may not have a steel blade right now but make no mistake! This hard wood is more than enough to penetrate you!"

"…"

"…"

An awkward silence descended between the trio as they stared at each other. More specifically, Nobunaga looked at Hazuki with barely restrained hostility, Uvogin gaped at Nobunaga in shellshock wonder, and Hazuki 's eyes darted nervously between the two teenagers in mortification.

A beat, then. "Bwahahahahahaha! Nobunaga, I didn't know you had it in you!" Uvogin sounded like a dying dolphin as he bent over and slapped his knees in laughter. "And you tell me off for being all crass and shit!"

A soft giggle left Hazuki's lips as well but she was quick to slap a hand to her mouth, but the deed had been done and her eyes twinkled in laughter as her gaze met Nobunaga's own confused eyes.

"Huh, why are you two—" Nobunaga blinked once, then twice before the realization of his earlier words sunk in.

"I— _Shit,_ I didn't _mean_ it that way! Oh _God._ Uvogin stop rolling around! And you!" He turned to Hazuki, his face as red as a tomato, while Uvogin was chortling—Nobunaga sourly hoped that he choked on his own spit—loudly in the background. " _Goddamnit_ , stop laughing! I'm threatening you! It's rude to laugh when people are threatening you!"

* * *

(ノ*゜▽゜*)

* * *

Meeting teenaged members of the Phantom Troupe was not on the top of my to-do list, nor was it a part of my to-do list _ever ,_ nor was it a part of any list of mine. If I had a choice in the matter, I would have opted to meet Gon and Leorio instead, as they were wholesome, nice, and unlikely to be an immediate threat to my pathetic self.

But of course, _nobody_ really cared about my opinion and thus I found myself in the middle of a decrepit shack, stuck with two future members of the Phantom Troupe.

Just _freaking_ peachy.

After being carted off by Uvogin in a barbaric fashion (my stomach still hurt a bit after his potato sack carry), I found myself being threatened by Nobunaga. Admittedly, a large part of my brain was more preoccupied with seeing a _younger_ Nobunaga rather than registering the bite of his threats. He was just, so, so, _young._ But once he had brandished a weapon at my direction—seriously, what is it with people and my jugular—I quickly sobered up and let an expression of fear take over my face.

Said fear was fortunately short-lived when Nobunaga had unwittingly thrown a misplaced innuendo at me. I probably should've felt offended at the _meaningful_ suggestion but Nobunaga's face was just priceless and I couldn't suppress my obvious amusement.

"Quit laughing," Nobunaga hissed to a thoroughly entertained Uvogin. "If you start choking, I'm not going to save your sorry ass."

"B-But, you said _hard wood,_ pffttt—and penetrate!" Uvogin had been laughing for a good ten minutes. It was pretty impressive actually.

"People make mistakes okay?! And it's been ten minutes! Sheesh, stop laughing!" A scowl marred Nobunaga's face as he punched Uvo on his back. He glowered afterwards once he realized it was futile with Uvogin's steel hard skin. "Stop making me look bad in front of the enemy!"

"Aw, come on , Nobu! Lighten up! Hazuki's not an enemy!" Uvo responded as he wiped the tears from the corner of his eyes. "She's my—no, our new buddy! You can even say that she's like my goddess of good fortune! Ever since I ran into her today, only good stuff's been happenin' to me yeah? She got me out of that blasted steel _and_ I made up with you."

"Good fortune," A raised brow from Nobunaga. "Really now."

" _What_." Oh God. I was beginning to sense a pattern here. Why did people insist on referring to me as a goddess?! Granted, it _was_ my fault the second time around but the occurrence happening for three consecutive times was a _likely_ predictor for a pattern.

A pattern that I would later lament on.

"If this woman – right, _Hazuki_ or whatever _,_ " Nobunaga amended as soon as Uvogin reminded him of my name. "Is really the goddess of good fortune like you say she is, then a simple demonstration of her powers should be enough to show me she's trustworthy right?" A cruel smirk twisted on his lips as he tapped his fingers against the hilt of his wooden blade.

Okay, first of all, that logic _did not make an ounce of sense._ Uvogin said , and I quote, '...like my goddess of good fortune.' He did not state that I was an _actual_ goddess. I bet that Nobunaga just wanted to use this opportunity to intimidate me into submission or death.

Surely, even Uvogin, with his well-meaning but misguided attempts at affection would see through this and maybe protect his new buddy from his clearly provoked best friend?

"That's a great idea!" Uvogin beamed.

I wilted.

Was this it? Was this my end? Was my adventure about to come to its conclusion with barely a sign of plot progression?

My heart sunk as I forlornly stared at a grinning Nobunaga who had his dagger wood-like thing – I actually had no idea what it was – pointed at me once more.

If I died here, I was going to make sure to haunt this boy throughout his whole career as a spider.

The wood creaked silently under Nobunaga's geta and I soon found myself with an eyeful of the boy, his weapon raised above his head to swing at me. My survival instincts kicked in and I attempted to dodge him of course, but I sincerely doubt that I could outmaneuver any Hunter x Hunter character who was worth their salt. However if I were to perish here, it would definitely not be because of lack of effort at survival on my part.

So I clumsily threw myself to the ground as what looked like the blade of his weapon neared my face but it was of no use as Nobunaga read my movements and expertly adjusted to my sudden movement.

I stilled, anticipating for the inevitable pain that was to come but a loud growl interrupted the thick tension in the air.

"Uvo," Nobunaga halted in his assault and a bemused expression overtook his face. "I guess it's time for dinner then?"

"All that fighting earlier got me hungry. Hey, let's get some chicken and beer for tonight! Let's have a party with Hazuki!" Uvogin shot me yet another adoring look which I dodged by subtly hiding behind Nobunaga who gave me the stink eye but didn't move from his position. At this point, I didn't know which scared me more; Nobunaga's threats of harm, or Uvogin's sudden if not misdirected affection.

"Uvo, I don't think chicken is enough to satisfy that endless pit of yours."

"Then let's grab a little bit of everything!"

"Your definition of 'a little bit' is a bit off, but yeah. I'm getting a bit hungry too."

"Yeah, yeah! Let's go! Last one to reach the marketplace is a rotten egg!" Uvogin dashed away, the thought of food motivating his action.

 _Uvogin, no!_ You can't just leave me here with him!

My eyes darted nervously to the other teenager. "Um, are you going to kill me now?" I sure hope not.

"It's not worth it. You know what, let's get one thing straight," Nobunaga turned to me, his weapon carefully tucked away under his haori. "I don't trust you. Nor will I ever trust you. But, one wrong move." He made a slicing motion to his throat. "And you're a goner, you got me?"

I nodded my head vigorously.

Seemingly satisfied by my response, Nobunaga called out to Uvogin. "Hey, wait up, Uvo!"

.

As it turns out, in Meteor City language, to grab dinner meant to _literally_ grab dinner from the market stalls and make a mad dash for your life as vendors chased you down the streets.

Dear mother and father back in the real world, your beloved and only daughter has become an accessory to a most nefarious crime.

I wanted to _cry._

"Hazuki, run faster!" Uvogin shouted at me from a couple of feet ahead. I began to feel a little touched at the smidgen of concern, until. "The beer's gonna get warm!"

 _Of course,_ why did I expect anything different?

Tightening my hold on the paper bag of food, I shot back. "I'm _trying!"_ Despite being a reluctant part of this crime – Uvogin and Nobunaga tossed me bags and bags of loot and I was helpless to do anything else – I still ran with all my might. Sadly, I was only human and had such limitations that I was a considerable distance away from the pair who ran _without even breaking a sweat._

"Get back here you _heathens!"_ I could hear the voice of the vendors getting louder and I forced my feeble legs to run faster. But it was all for naught as I heard the footsteps increase in volume.

I can't believe I was going to be implicated for a crime just because I had been in the wrong place and the wrong time!

To my surprise however, I felt the load on my arms lessen before I was unceremoniously tossed onto a bony shoulder.

"Augh, you're heavier than you look." It was Nobunaga who picked me up and scowled as if it offended him to touch me. "Uvo, catch!" He threw the bag of supplies he took from my arms to a waiting Uvogin, who scampered to a run as he began chewing through the bags of meat.

"Foo gaf schno we' to me' mi!" _(You guys know where to meet me!)_

"Yeah, yeah, just don't finish everything! Leave some for me."

I'm surprised Nobunaga even understood that.

"Um." I awkwardly began, once Nobunaga broke into a brisk pace. This position was a bit embarrassing as my butt was literally next to his face. But if he wasn't going to mention it, then I most definitely wasn't about to. "You know, I can run on my own." I said instead.

"You're slowing us down. I don't know what it is that Uvogin sees in you but I don't want to hear wailing tonight so I might as well help you live another day."

"Wailing?"

"Uvogin has a tender heart."

"Ah."

With nothing else to say, I tried to make myself comfortable on the boy's shoulders, squirming to find a position that wouldn't make my stomach hurt. I struggled to pull my legs up, afraid that he would _accidentally_ drop me.

"Hey, stop squirming!" Nobunaga hissed from beneath me as I jabbed my elbow against his head by mistake. I felt his calloused hands curl tighter against my torso. "Do you want me to drop you?"

"Sorry!" I tucked my arms closer to my body. "I was just trying to be a little more comforta - _Eep! Nobunaga-san!_ BAD TOUCH _!_ " A flush colored my cheeks as a hand was pressed against my upper thigh, causing me to feel a little ticklish and _absolutely mortified._ Was Nobunaga trying to cop a feel?!

"Don't be an idiot!" The hand that was manhandling me was gone as soon as it had came. "I just needed this!"

I blinked at the small serrated knife on Nobunaga's hands. Wasn't that the knife Feitan had given me for 'protection'? Oh. I must've shoved it in my pocket when I was changing my clothes earlier. But how did he know I had it on me?

As if he'd read my mind, Nobunaga spoke. "Something hard with a decent length was pressing against my shoulder. And if it's not _that,_ then the only other thing you can have in your pocket is a weapon."

"Oh." That was some pretty impressive deduction actually.

"Besides, nobody can survive this dump without having some sort of protection. And even though you look like an idiot, I'm sure you're not that dumb."

 _Ouch._

In an instant, my word tilted in a dizzying myriad of colors. I felt sick at the sudden change in position but before I could even voice out a complaint, I heard a groan and a loud thump. Looking up, I saw one of the men who was giving chase incapacitated on the ground, clutching a bleeding arm.

"That wound isn't fatal." I scrunched my face as I tried to make a brief assessment of the man's health. We were already a considerable distance from him but even I could tell that the wound was just a flesh wound that would heal on it's own. "Why didn't you kill him?" Genuine shock laced my voice. Weren't these guys supposed to be brutal murderers who cared for no one but themselves?

"Don't be stupid." If I could see Nobunaga right now, he'd probably be rolling his eyes at me. "If we killed every single shop owner who chased us for stealing, then there wouldn't be anyone left to steal from."

He...actually had a point with that. I knew that Meteor City was a junkyard city and birthplace of many unsavory characters but I never really gave much thought on it and simply accepted the details that Togashi provided his readers. I mean, how did Meteor City's economy work if they were a closed and hard to find city? I distinctly recall Togashi explaining that the Mafia had some ties with them, so was their economy sustained by their _technically_ mercenary forces?

Hm. How interesting. An academic pursuit for another day perhaps?

"But still, I'm surprised. I didn't expect you to have such a lethal knife. I expected you to be more…harmless." My train of thought was suddenly broken by Nobunaga's voice.

"Ah, thanks!" Suddenly feeling bashful, I clutched my hands tighter against his haori. "But it's not mine, a—" I hesitated." – Friend gave it to me for protection."

"That wasn't a compliment." Nobunaga retorted.

"Oh."

.

Once the skirmish was over, I felt Nobunaga none too gently plop me down on my ass on to the dirty pavement.

"Thank you," I smiled up at him, despite the pain that shot through my bum. While I was not appreciative of his less than gentle handling of me, I wasn't entirely ungrateful of his assistance. "I wouldn't have made it this far without your help."

"I didn't do it for you." Nobunaga rolled his eyes.

"I know. For Uvogin-san right? You treasure him a lot don't you, Nobunaga-san?"

Nobunaga leveled me with an unreadable gaze before nodding. "He's the only one I trust in this world. So if you do anything to him , I swear to God—"

"Yes, yes, I know. You'll kill me." I laughed nervously. "Uvogin-san is lucky to have a friend like you."

"…No, it's me who's lucky to have ever met him." He said quietly.

"Huh, what do you mea—"But before I could even finish my question, a voice cut me off.

"Nobunaga! Hazuki!" Uvogin skid to a halt next to us, his eyes lighting up in wonder. "You guys are alright! See, Nobu? Told ya that Hazuki was on our side!"

"I'll admit that her knife was useful." Nobunaga drily remarked.

Finally conceding defeat to Uvogin, Nobunaga simply shrugged at him in resignation, to which the former rejoiced at, going on a spiel about how the three of us were going to be the best of friends.

Yeah. _That was never going to happen._

"Oh right! I almost forgot!" Uvogin bellowed a moment later. "A true man doesn't forget to show his gratitude!"

In one swift movement, Uvogin pulled me to his side and I felt a wet and sloppy kiss press against my cheeks. I paused in my stride, stiffened, and stared at Uvogin shell-shocked. "W-W-W-Whaaaa?! _Uvogin-san!_ "I flushed, as I cupped my hand to the cheek he just slobbered on.

 _Did a fictional character just kiss my cheek?!_

"Haha! A thank you kiss for helpin ' out my pal Nobu back there."Uvogin grinned as he slapped me in the back good-naturedly, but because this was Uvogin, his friendly slap almost caused me to tumble headfirst into the pavement. Luckily, his friendly slap did not break any of my bones.

It's the small miracles that count, you know?

"She did _not_ help me out." Nobunaga narrowed his eyes.

"Awww, you jealous Nobu? I can give you a kiss too—"

"AUGH DAMN IT UVO GO AWAY!"

"I know you want to kiss me too, Nobu!"

"Mmmpphh-!"

An uneasy laughter bubbled from my lips as I stared at the two's antics until I felt an odd tug at the bottom of my stomach. At first, I thought it was indigestion and promptly ignored it but the tugging became a little more insistent and I began to feel a small sense of urgency fill me.

Weird. Was I getting the rumblies?

A blue light from my periphery caught my attention and _huh_ , would you look at that. My bathroom door was glowing ephemerally as if beckoning me to come close.

Well. Wasn't that just mighty suspicious?

If there's one thing I learned from videogames, anything that glowed and sparkled usually meant a main quest or at least a side quest was about to begin. It probably didn't apply to real life situations but this _situation_ was anything but normal.

Ignoring the bickering of my two temporary companions, I slowly made my way to the door as if making sure that it wouldn't harm me and the tugging became a little more insistent the closer I got. I tentatively raised a hand to push it open, paused for a bit, but once I gathered my courage, I raised both hands to push at it.

I never knew the sight of my tub could fill me with so much joy.

.

Uvogin and Nobunaga made for surprisingly fun companions, much to my astonishment. Despite my initial misgivings about spending some time with them – courtesy of their future brutal murders—I have to admit that out of all three excursions I've had to their side, this was by far the only one I actually enjoyed.

Oh no. _Did this make me a criminal in the making?!_

I shook my head in frustration. Now was not the time for such philosophical thoughts!

Forgetting my earlier worries, I stripped my clothes before submerging myself into the pink bubbly water I prepared in a haste. This bath was not going to be as grand as my regular baths _but god damn it, I needed one._ Once my entire body was sunk inside the tub, a moan escaped my lips and I nearly cried at the comfort it provided to my sore muscles.

At least now that my 'expedition' was over, I had some time to myself before my door started acting up again.

So imagine my shock when I was in the middle of one of the best baths of my life (but to be fair, _all_ baths were the best for me) singing my favorite songs off key only to be rudely interrupted by the sudden slamming of my door.

"You have such terrible tastes in music as usual, Hazuki~" A playful voice purred out next to me, small puffs of breaths tickling my ear.

"Eek!" I jumped in the water to cover my ears. "W-W-Wha?! What the _hell?!"_

I turned my head so fast that I felt my neck strain in response. To my utmost _horror_ and surprise—and trust me on this one because I've been through a _lot_ of surprises these past few days—it was Hisoka, with a look of dangerous amusement on his regrettably very handsome face.

I paled.

Hisoka _freaking_ Morrow was in my bathroom.

And I was naked.

* * *

 **Aaaaaand that's a wrap for this chapter.**

 **I made some art based on Chapter 2 and 3 with Hazuki and Feitan, so feel free to check it out at yagisa at deviantart dot com. Or you can pm me for the link.**

 **Some minor things I'd like to bring up is Hazuki's manner of calling the other characters. Since she's Japanese, she uses honorifics when talking to people and she actually uses a lot of** _ **keigo**_ **or formal / polite speech, but it's a bit hard to reflect that in my writing so I'll do my best in future chapters haha. But when it comes to her thoughts, she's a lot more casual.**

 **Hazuki calls the characters by the name they're referred to in the series + san / kun / chan / etc. Although to be honest, Hazuki would rather call them by surname + honorific because that's just the more polite thing to do as she was raised that way. Unfortunately in the HxH world, it's much more common to be called by your first name and in this chapter, Hazuki does not receive a full introduction from Uvo and Nobu so she's forced to call them by their given name .**

 **Chapter Beta'd by : Steph557**


	6. Fate X Fortune

ヽ ( ꒪д꒪ )ﾉ

* * *

In retrospect, meeting Hisoka was a lot like dying.

Okay, fine. Maybe that sounded a little overdramatic, but my point stood regardless. I expected our meeting to be an ugly and violent one. Hisoka and peaceful did not belong in the same sentence and I knew that this could only end in my death.

Despite that, a small part of me knew it was inevitable. I mean, come on, what kind of reincarnation – did my experience still even qualify as such despite my being alive? – story would this be if I didn't come across the resident psychopath, amirite?

 _Gods help me._

I wasn't ready to meet Hisoka and quite frankly, I _never_ would be but I had at least hoped that our meeting would be at a time where I was more familiar and equipped to deal with fictional characters. That's how these kinds of stories worked right? Plot relevant characters often appeared during events that led up to the development of the story's conflict, and were introduced much later to spark the waning interest of the readers.

But the fact that I came across Kuroro first should've perhaps tipped me off that my self-insert* story would not go in a direction that I was familiar with.

"And how has my favorite monkey been doing, hm~?" A voice all but purred from next to me and I could _feel_ Hisoka's eyes rake across my very naked form submerged in the tub.

At that moment, my brain finally decided –about _damn_ time—to function properly and I suddenly felt all the fear, anxiety, _and a whole lot of embarrassment_ come crashing down on me. Needless to say, it was very overwhelming and I was _not_ proud of my next move.

I would later lament on my significant lack of self-preservation skills, but that was neither here nor there.

"A—" I blubbered.

"Hm~?"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" I let out a shrilly shriek that surprised even myself. To hide what little dignity I had left I sunk deeper into the tub, curling into myself.

Parading around in a towel was one thing – despite what little covering it provided, it still _covered_ – and the characters I've met weren't really _that_ phased by my lack of decent clothing.

But it was a whole other ballpark to be absolutely naked in front of someone.

And a psychopath no less!

A psychopathic _clown!_

I felt so caged and vulnerable that I momentarily considered drowning myself in the tub, if only to avoid a miserable death at Hisoka's hands.

"Hi-Hisoka?!" In my distress, all my semblance of courtesy and grace fled out the window and I didn't bother using _keigo*_ anymore _._ "W-What are you doing here?" I gazed at the bath products by my side and I silently wondered if my shampoo could serve as an effective weapon. The label said 'no tears' but I was more than willing to test it out on Hisoka.

"How rude," He pouted mockingly, gliding nearer to my tub like some sort of predator—and wasn't that just a horribly apt description? In a mere few seconds, he was by my side and I hugged my knees tighter to my chest.

Thank god for soap bubbles that protected what little I had left of my chastity and decency.

I tried to subtly scoot away from Hisoka but he was much faster than me and with a soft _'tsk' ,_ he grabbed me by the shoulders and slid me towards the edge of the tub once more, resuming my earlier proximity to him.

I wanted to _cry._

"Oh, Hazuki~" Lazily, Hisoka began tracing his sharp fingernail against my cheeks before tilting my chin upwards. His nail tickled me and I suppressed a visible shudder. This _almost_ felt like one of those heart pounding scenarios in my self-indulgent dating games, except you know, it involved murderous clowns and my tachycardia was due to fear, _not_ excitement.

"And here I thought we were getting closer. What happened to that foolhardy monkey who proposed a truce with me~?" A look of fake— _this was Hisoka after all_ –hurt flashed across his face. "I still haven't forgotten about last time you know.~"

My eyes snapped back to the danger next to me. " _Ha_?" Last time? _Truce?_ What was he talking about? This was my first time meeting him.

 _…Right?_

Unless—

"Don't you think I deserve a little reward? I had to deal with those troublesome spiders on my trail for an entire week." He continued, ignoring my sudden pensive look. "Although…seeing _him_ get mad like that was such a delicious treat~"

I remained quiet, intent on listening to Hisoka against my better judgment. He acted and talked as if we _knew_ each other and even implied that we were _close_ —which was debatable at best, really. I highly doubted that I would befriend this man willingly. He probably threatened me.

"Oh dear Hazuki," He breathed as he twirled my wet locks in between his fingers, his eyes glazing over as he reminisced. "You should've seen the look on _his_ face when he fought _so hard_ just to get to you. I've never seen that kind of expression from him before _._ It was completely _exhilarating._ " Hisoka moaned out next to my ear.

 _Jesus._ I didn't think it was possible to feel this violated verbally.

But I kept my mouth shut – one of the few _good_ decisions I made in the past hour—and allowed the clown to play with my hair ( _as if_ I had a choice) as he vaguely recounted an event that involved what I surmised was a skirmish between him and the Phantom Troupe.

I gave vague nods and well-timed 'Ooooh's and 'Ahhh's to his story as I mulled on my situation.

My bathroom was a portal to another dimension, the world of HunterxHunter in particular. That much was irrefutable no matter how much I wanted to deny it. I could visit the fictional world at certain points in time, so it wouldn't be a stretch to assume that they could do the same.

Case in point, Hisoka.

All this time I assumed that I was visiting the other side sequentially pre-canon. But…what if that wasn't the case?

Time flowed linearly for _me_ , but did that particular rule apply to them as well?

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice that Hisoka had stopped speaking a few minutes ago and had taken to staring at me.

"Your hair is long." Gone was the teasing lilt to his voice.

I froze like a deer caught in headlights. "Yes," I said slowly and my fear crept back up again. Hisoka was dangerous by default, _which goes without saying,_ but the fact that he had dropped all pretenses of playfulness was _never_ a good sign.

"Hm~,"Hisoka's face smoothed into a blank and calculating mask before inching closer as if to inspect me. I stiffened at the increase in distance and I noted that the tips of our noses were nearly touching that I could almost see myself reflected in his eyes.

I swallowed thickly, as I gripped my knees to my chest even closer and hoped that Hisoka wouldn't mutilate my body too much when he killed me. My mother would _faint_ at the sight of my mutilated corpse.

But Hisoka soon withdrew from me, and his lips curled into a smug _knowing_ smirk. "As I thought." He tapped a well-manicured—what was his secret?—nail against his chin as he hummed to himself. "Hm. That makes matters of receiving my _reward_ rather dull. I would've wanted to receive it from _my_ Hazuki but ah—I'll take what I can."

"Reward?" I spluttered, my eyes the size of saucers.

"You told me once that you disliked spoilers~." Hisoka said, avoiding my question. "I'm normally a patient man," I snorted at this, but covered it up at the last minute as Hisoka arched a brow at me _._ "However, hm, I'm a bit annoyed right now at being denied the _pleasure_ of enjoying my reward in full~."

"So how about I deliver you your fortune~" He leered, as he clasped his hands together in a mock parody of a cheer. "You _always_ were good at giving fortunes after all~" He chuckled to himself.

" _What?_ "

"Oh you know, you always had such a knack for being at the right place at the right time. It's as if you have some knowledge of the future."

I stilled.

I did _not_ like where this was going.

"…That's ridiculous. I can't see the future." I laughed nervously.

Hisoka hummed at my response. "Is that so? Nevertheless, I feel like giving you your fortune. Don't girls your age like that kind of thing? Especially love fortunes~"

"But-" I was hushed before I could finish.

"The spider hungers for something it cannot attain,

And so it shall devour the heart of the outsider.

It will devour everything in sight until it obtains,

The truth from the liar.

And so as the eighth moon comes to an end,

The emptiness shall ascend."

Hisoka paused for a second, his gaze darting to me as if to gauge my reaction. I didn't know what he saw but he looked pleased, before continuing."Seasons pass. August must come to an end."

"Is that my love fortune?" I frowned, licking my lips. The poem was alarming, to say the least. But it was the mention of the eighth moon that had my skin erupting in goosebumps. It was ominous and warranted future introspection. "That sounds terribly unromantic."

"Hm~, I wonder?" Hisoka rested his chin against an open palm while leaning against my tub as his other hand lazily swirled at the bath water. "All I did was deliver a fortune~"

At that moment, I looked at Hisoka. Truly looked at him with a steady and curios gaze. The way the corner of his lips were tugged into a knowing smile unsettled me. It was as if he was waiting. Waiting for me to do or say something that would irrevocably screw me up for life.

I gulped. I was probably going to regret asking this but…"From who?"

At that question, Hisoka's golden eyes met mine and his lips split into an even wider smile.

"From _you._ "

* * *

Hisoka's first impression of Hazuki was that— _oh who was he kidding—_ he didn't even _remember_ their first meeting. He had no opinion of her; she was simply one of the many faces he didn't bother with.

She was simply an ant under his shoes.

Or so he thought until a certain incident piqued his interest in her.

Hazuki wasn't that particularly remarkable in any area. She was smart, but not enough to be considered a genius. Her physical features were quite pleasing, but _not_ enough to tempt him. There was nothing of note when it came to her physical strength as well.

All in all, Hazuki was a painfully average woman who would perhaps live a disgustingly long and fulfilling life and who he wouldn't even be paying any attention to in the first place had it not been for her a certain trait of hers.

This trait made Hazuki a great _toy_ (he was sure that many individuals shared the same sentiment) and now that he had her all by her lonesome, it was time to _play._

But unfortunately for Hisoka, he came across a much younger and inexperienced Hazuki, who made for a dull toy. This Hazuki and _his_ Hazuki were essentially the same person, but this one was by far less interesting than the one he'd gotten accustomed to. She still lacked that backbone and particular brand of humor that he would come to associate with her.

But that didn't mean he wouldn't mess with her.

Messing around with Hazuki's nerves never failed to make his day. She was just like Gon in that aspect.

"Oh you know," He hummed, ignoring the barrage of questions she hurled his way after he delivered her fortune. "Isn't it about time you gave me what you just received~?"

"What I received?" She blinked, her jaw dropping in surprise before a look of realization dawned on her features and her mouth morphed into a perfect O. A blush erupted on her cheeks and ears. "— _Oh."_

Hisoka almost cooed at how _precious_ she was acting.

"Oh my~," Hisoka's typically slanted eyes widened in delight. _Ah._ This was just getting better and better by the second. Had he known what _fun_ it would be to tease a younger Hazuki, he would've found a way to travel to this side much faster. "Don't tell me, you don't even know how this _arrangement_ works?"

A look of pure defiance filled the shorter girl's eyes but as their eyes met, it quickly dissipated into another look of skittishness.

Hm.

What a lackluster reaction.

"O-Of course!" Her voice pitched a few octaves higher. "I know how this works!"

Lies.

But it wasn't Hisoka's place to call out the girl on her bluff.

"Oh~" A Cheshire grin was smacked on Hisoka's face and he just knew that it infuriated Hazuki. He leaned a little closer to her as well, and he was rewarded with the sweet scent of her banana-scented shampoo. The scent was overpowering and a tad too sweet for his tastes at this proximity but Hisoka didn't really mind. "Do enlighten me then, Ha-zu-ki~" He licked the shell of her ear.

"We-We trade!" She jumped in shock, sliding back to the other end of the tub, her knees still daintily tucked against her chest. Hisoka was a bit impressed at her ability to protect her body from his wandering gaze. "I give you what I received, and you give me something in return!"

Ah. So she _did_ know.

"Ding ding ding~" Hisoka's mouth curled in amusement. "Would you like a gold star for your efforts Hazuki?"

"No, thank you." Another flash of defiance sparked in her eyes but she immediately wilted under his scrutiny.

"Your call~" He shrugged. "I'm just here waiting for my reward."

"…Can't this wait until _after_ I'm decent?"

"Ah, but Hazuki _darling_ ," Hisoka's eyes twinkled in deviousness. "Where's the fun in that?"

* * *

ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ

* * *

Having a hundred—an exaggeration of course—realizations in a short span of time was not good for my poor nerves. I wanted to scream and panic and run around like a headless chicken and maybe drink beer and cry myself to oblivion. But I was a grown woman, _damn it_ , and that meant I had to deal with my problems like a proper adult.

Prioritization was key.

Okay, first order of business, getting rid of Hisoka from my bathroom.

Based on his words—or lies—and my earlier experiences , I deduced that the only way for him to leave was if I gave him a _token_ of sorts, like in the legend of the Straw Millionaire. I gave Kuroro a scrap of cloth, who in turn gave me a purple gem that I gave to Feitan, only to receive a knife in return which I later passed on to Nobunaga, but wait…Nobunaga didn't give me anything in return, did he?

My theory was almost perfect, had it not been for that last part.

Sans my last visit to Nobunaga and Uvogin, I wasn't able to go back to my world until I had given up something and gained something back right?

 _Wait…_

Give something up and gain something…?

I paled.

 _Jesus Christ._

I received a kiss from Uvogin didn't I? And it was only then that I was able to go back home.

… _Fuck._

As exciting as it sounded, the prospect of kissing Hisoka –even if it was _just_ on the cheek – horrified me. Yeah sure, when I was younger I might've found him _a little_ attractive – who didn't?—at some point and even enjoyed looking at an illustration or two of him.

But now that I was older, (hopefully) a little wiser, and more grounded in reality, I knew that kissing murderous clowns – attractive or not – was a lot more trouble than it was worth.

 _God damn it Togashi,_ I cursed to myself. Why did you have to go and draw Hisoka so handsomely! I swear to God, with that voice and appearance, he could very well fit right in an otome game! He definitely wouldn't be the main love interest, but perhaps a secret unlockable character?

You know, _those_ kinds of characters that looked sleazy, acted sleazy, _reeked_ of sleaziness, making you think that they've got something deep in them but after peeling off their layers you find out that they're just misunderstood delinquents who save puppies in their free time?

Yeah _._ Hisoka was _nothing_ like that.

"I'm waiting~"

I bit my lips. Did I even have a choice in the matter?

 _…No._ I probably didn't.

"C-Close your eyes," I was grasping at straws here at the moment, but if I were to kiss Hisoka, then I would do it on my own terms, with the least amount of humiliation.

If that were even remotely possible.

Hisoka let out a sigh as if he were the one suffering – _I_ was the only one in distress here, mind you—but acquiesced with my request regardless.

 _Huh._

That...went well. I thought he would've resisted more to my demand.

How…odd.

But now was not the moment to ruminate on his strange antics. So I shook my head, filing away that piece of information for a later date.

With my eyes still locked on Hisoka's smirking form, I quickly wrapped a towel around my body and left the tub. I _knew_ he heard me emerge from the water but he did nothing and just stayed there kneeling next to the tub.

I debated on whether or not I should just make a run for it but I knew for a fact that I was stuck here until further notice. Unless of course, a trade took place. Hm. Decisions, _decisions._ The part of my psyche that was still stuck in the denial phase wanted to make a hasty retreat but the more logical part quickly pushed it away in favor of a much pragmatic response.

I deflated. Kissing Hisoka (I wanted to gag at the mere thought.) as soon as possible was unfortunately my quickest ticket out.

Praying to the various gods and deities I knew of, I gathered what was left of my courage and knelt next to him. I swallowed thickly before clumsily and shakily pressing my pursed lips against his cheeks. It was a very brief and awkward affair to the point that I would be hard-pressed to call it a kiss. Smack was perhaps a more appropriate term.

I only hoped that the Powers That Be were generous enough to consider this a pass.

"There," I struggled to keep my voice calm and I was certain that my face was reminiscent of a tomato. "Now it's time for you to hold your end of the bargain."

A few seconds passed in silence that for a moment I wondered if I _broke_ Hisoka. His eyes were still closed and his lips were still smirking but his posture was a little taut and his fists were clenched tightly on his sides.

"Um," I hesitantly asked from my spot. "Hi-Hisoka- _san_?"

"Kukukuku~"Hisoka's eyes flew open and a deranged sort of laughter escaped his lips. I squeaked, taking a step back. _This was not good._ "I didn't think you'd be so _bold_ Hazuki~" He stood up, taking a few steps in my direction.

I took a few steps back.

"If you wanted to have some fun so badly~" He took another step forward and I paled.

I attempted to scoot backwards some more but I felt my back hit the wall. _Shit._ My gaze slid to the door that was no more than two feet away from me and I wondered if I could outrun Hisoka. Logically speaking _, I could not._ But before I could even make an attempt, I was trapped in place by a pair of arms.

I looked up and saw Hisoka looming over me.

 _Oh._

I dumbly wondered if this was one of those legendary _kabe-don_ or wall slams you see in manga. It was a staple trope in almost every shoujo manga I read and I have to admit that a _very teeny tiny_ part of me wanted to experience that kind of shoujo manga encounter at least once in my life. I suppose I should thank Hisoka for helping me tick that off my bucket list— _as if!_ I was certainly curious about kabe-don, but I didn't want it to be like this! _Especially not with him!_ Why couldn't I have a normal and healthy heart pounding encounter?! And why did my encounters always involve men with criminal records?!

A soft chuckle from somewhere above me ripped me away from thoughts and I immediately remembered the situation I was in. "Oh Hazuki~" Hisoka followed up, pressing his body against mine that I felt the fabric of his ridiculous clothes brush against my bare legs.

I made a warbling sound that was reminiscent of a dying ocelot.

This was it. This was my end. Hisoka was going to murder me.

Goodbye mother and father in the real world. If I came back as a ghost, I swear to help you with the family business this time around.

But instead of pain, I felt puffs of breath next to my ear before a voice moaned out, "All you had to do was ask~"

I sensed something being pushed against my hands – gods I hope it wasn't Hisoka's di—okay, _bad thoughts—_ and my eyes snapped open in surprise. "Wha—"

But Hisoka was no longer there in my bathroom.

* * *

"Oh, you're back."

"Yes, well, I just had a bit of an errand to run~" There was a slight bounce to Hisoka's step that was not lost to his companion. "A _delectable_ errand~"

"Yes, I can see that." His companion looked at him flatly, his gaze trailing downwards at the tent poking through Hisoka's pants before impassively darting to meet the clown's eyes. "You met with her?"

"Goodness~, am I that easy to read?"

"You only get like ' _that'_ for a few reasons." His companion gestured vaguely to Hisoka's pants. "You were gone for a few minutes and I couldn't sense you anywhere," His companion shrugged. "It seemed like a likely option."

"She looked so much younger you know~" He licked his lips, his face twisting into a monstrous expression. "So utterly _pure_ and ripe for the taking, I wanted to kill her then and there and watch as the life bled out of her eyes."

"You can't do that." His companion said. "You know she can't die."

"I know. I know that _very_ well," He drawled. "But that doesn't mean I can't have my fun now, does it~?"

* * *

 ***Self-insert story** : I was honestly debating on what term to use. Technically speaking, Hazuki references the isekai light novel / reincarnation light novel genre. Isekai light novels usually have the protagonists reincarnating or being transported to a new fantasy world. However, considering that I'm making a parody out of _all_ kinds of Isekai I've read (Chinese novels, Japanese light novels, and even SI and OC fanfiction), I decided to use a more familiar term for all of us.

 ***Keigo :** The use of honorifics such as san, chan, kun, and etc.

 ***Kabe-don :** Wall slam. When Person A gets pinned to a wall by Person B. A staple in shoujo manga. Not advisable to do in real life.

I'm so sorry for the late update! This chapter took at least 3 rewrites because I honestly had no idea what to do with Hisoka. Writing him is so hard which is why we don't really see much of his POV in this chapter. I struggled with trying to making him in character while writing out an interpretation of how I think Hisoka is like. I hope I managed to deliver this chapter.

And I realize that writing 1 chapter = 1 character takes a long while and this story isn't progressing as fast as I want it to. So after this chapter, I might make 2-3 characters per chapter and I might not detail each interaction as thoroughly anymore. Haha. I can't believe I wrote 3k+ words of pure Hisoka content.

Also there will be _a bit_ of plot, but don't worry, this is still a parody story through and through!

 **Please Review! It makes my day!**


	7. Angels X Demons

（ー△ー；）

* * *

Sayo was _kind of_ a bitch, and Kanata thought that that was putting it mildly.

Of course, it's not like Kanata was in any position to speak as he also had entire _lists_ of his own shortcomings—and he was being _modest_ as he said that—but regardless, he felt like the woman had gone a little too far with her jokes this time. He knew that she was shamelessly crass and blunt, but he thought she'd be at least above making her own friend _cry_.

"Come on, Hacchi," He awkwardly rubbed comforting circles on his friend's back. "Sayo's a bitch, but she didn't mean to make you cry… _I think_."

"You little—"Sayo snarled from across the table, but Kanata noticed the minute change in her expression. Her eyes flickered uncertainly at Hazuki and her hands twitched, as if to offer some sort of sympathetic gesture, but she dropped her hand at the last moment.

Hazuki bawled _harder_ into his shirt –yikes, cleaning all that snot was going to be a _pain_ —and Kanata was pretty sure he heard her blubbering about how she'd curse some guy called Togashi with her dying breath.

Kanata sighed, feeling an impending headache. He just wanted to go out for some drinks on a Saturday night to catch up with his friends – he'd be hard pressed to call Sayo a friend, ugh _semantics_ —but instead, he's here in Hazuki's apartment, consoling the hysterical woman with an irate Sayo glaring daggers at him.

 _Christ_. He was _too_ sober for this.

* * *

凸ಠ益ಠ)凸

* * *

Sayo felt horrible for making Hazuki cry.

Sayo knew that she wasn't exactly the easiest person to get along with but Hazuki was one of the few odd people who managed to actually stick around for a long time. Hazuki—bless her sweet, _stupid_ heart –was desensitized so much to Sayo's naturally insensitive disposition that she happily clung to her like a stubborn barnacle.

So, you know, Sayo actually cared. _A lot_. For Hazuki.

At some point in her life, Sayo had actually grown to like—albeit begrudgingly—another human being in the universe.

So seeing Hazuki wail like a helpless drunk – Sayo had to admit that it _was_ a little funny how she held the pack of beer like it was her baby –made something churn in Sayo's gut.

It was _probably_ guilt.

("I don't understand how you could think it was _anything_ but guilt," Kanata would later intone.

" _Shut up,"_ She would later hiss.)

But _honestly_ , could you fault her for laughing for a good five minutes when Hazuki confessed to interdimension travel after inviting her and Kanata over for some quality booze and cheap snacks?

 _Come on_ , it sounded like a plot to those _terrible_ harem light novels with excessively long titles* that was all the rage these days!

What else was Sayo supposed to say?

' _My best friend's bathroom is a portal to popular shounen manga and all the bad guys are falling in love with her!'_

Sayo winced.

Yeah.

She's definitely not going to go in _that_ territory.

"Bu' iiiizaaaa truuuu'!" Kanata attempted to pry the beer pack from Hazuki (" _Jesus_ Hazuki, I need a drink. I'm _too_ sane for this.") but she sluggishly rolled away from him, clutching to the pack as if it were a lifeline. "Noooooo, you hafta listen t' me first! Sayo, you betraying betrayer who betrays!"

The corner of Sayo's lips tugged into a smile. Hazuki's capacity for coherent speech was typically one of the first things she lost when drunk and it often served as a source of amusement for her.

But at Kanata's withering stare – seriously _ug_ h, it's like the man always had a stick up his royal ass—she changed her expression into one of solemn repentance.

"Gah _fine_ ," She eventually relented. "Tell me about this er—, interdimensional bathroom of yours."

.

Three packs of beer, two bags of dried squid* and five existential crises later, the trio quickly found themselves sprawled on the floor of Hazuki's apartment in various states of tipsiness.

Kanata had someone's foot on his stomach but he just laid there like a squid waiting to be dried.

"So—" Sayo burped. "Your bathroom lands you in the lap of cute 2D men? Naked?" She waggled her eyebrows suggestively at what she thought was Hazuki.

It was unfortunately _not_ Hazuki. "Are you even _listening_? She was in a towel." Kanata grunted as he turned his head away from Sayo. "And your breath stinks. Stop talking."

Sayo scrunched her nose. "Whatever."

"Something like that," Hazuki giggled from somewhere.

"Well then, why don't you prove it to us?" Sayo waved her hand around to find Hazuki's arm and gave the woman a firm nudge towards the bathroom. "You know wha—what," She accidentally smacked Kanata in the face but promptly ignored his sputtering. "Nishikino-sensei says about empurrical evidence to support your fi-findi—oh _you know_ , your _stuff._ "

"Yeah," Kanata piped in, suddenly feeling a little more sociable. "We're _'sciencey'_ people, Hacchi. We need hard faaaacts and rigorous assessments to validate our _stuff_ —ugh—I think I'm going to be sick."

"Weak ass." Sayo murmured silently.

Hazuki, who had also temporary lost her clarity of mind, inelegantly stood up from the floor and shouted."Y-Yeaaah? Well, Imma prove it to ya ri—right now!"

Kanata and Sayo cheered at her declaration as they awkwardly clapped their hands on top of their stomachs. Motor coordination was never their strongest suite, even when sober. Hazuki was reminded of baby seals at the sight of them but she forgot the comparison as soon as she was given another firm nudge.

"And, I'm going to get a no-noberu, oh _screw_ it, I'mma get a science prize for my theory of interdimensional travel via plumbing system!" Hazuki threw her hands up as she crashed her way to the bathroom.

Once Hazuki skid inside the bathroom and shut the door close, Sayo chuckled as she heard her friend bump against something ( _"My toe!"_ Hazuki wailed. _)._ But Sayo's delight shortly tapered off into mild concern when Hazuki failed to emerge from the room after ten minutes of silence from her end.

"Hacchi?" She called out.

No answer.

Frowning, Sayo made to move for the bathroom but paused when a hand wrapped around her ankle.

"…I think I'm _really_ going to be sick."

"Seriously?" Sayo groaned, obviously displeased but accompanied Kanata to the toilet nonetheless*. Kanata wasted no time in diving for the toilet, and soon heaved the contents of his stomach.

"Ughhhhhhhh," Kanata looked up to see Sayo leaning against the door frame.

"Come on, let's get you cleaned up." She sighed, making a motion for him to follow her. "Hacchi, we're comin' in, Kanata has barf on his shirt and is so gross and – _H-Hacchi?!_ "

"Wh-What's wrong?" Kanata blinked from behind Sayo, trying to get a look at what surprised her.

"…Hacchi's not here!"

* * *

（￣ー￣）

* * *

Pakunoda was feeling restless.

It was a few hours past their curfew, but she wasn't in her room like she was supposed to be. _Father_ would definitely scold her for this later on (she could picture him tutting at her in disappointment) but she still snuck into the old chapel, as she had done many times before.

Pakunoda wasn't a religious person. Not by a longshot. She doubted that the other kids even had religious inclinations.

Nonetheless, she still found the chapel to be a mysteriously calming place. Whenever she felt particularly troubled or scared, she liked to come over and gaze at the broken stained glass windows until she fell asleep. She liked to think that it was once a beautiful work of art, but the years of thievery and old age had taken its toll and so it was reduced to this sorry state. Still, she thought it looked rather pretty in a sort of antiquated way.

But tonight was different.

Someone else was inside the chapel.

Pakunoda immediately took on a defensive stance, prepared to call for _Father_ if the intruder proved to be hostile. "This is a neutral territory," She struggled to keep her voice calm and felt ashamed. She was _supposed_ to be better than this. "If you're in need of money, you can take one of the candle holders and sell them. We want no trouble."

A few seconds passed until the intruder finally turned to reveal herself and Pakunoda's breath hitched.

It was an angel.

Pakunoda was a clever girl. She knew that things like magic and miracles were but fanciful constructs that she should have long outgrown by now. She didn't believe in the so-called 'God' that _Father_ spoke of, nor of fate and destiny.

But…if angels truly did exist, she thought that the woman in front of her would qualify as one.

The woman wasn't exactly _beautiful_ per se. The shade of her hair and eyes were rather plain but there was just something about her that made it seem as if she didn't belong in this filthy world. Perhaps it was the way the moonlight filtered into the room, illuminating and highlighting the woman's features, or the way her cheeks flushed under the pale moonlight or maybe it was the way she looked pristine as she stood in the middle of the ruined church.

Or perhaps, it was the strange dress she was wearing.

"…Where am I?" She asked breathlessly.

Yeap. It was definitely the dress.

"The Church." She replied, unconsciously relaxing her posture.

The woman smiled serenely at her. "I—" Unfortunately, Pakunoda was so disarmed by the angel's smile that she failed to notice the intruder sway on her knees before unceremoniously dropping to the floor.

A sense of urgency filled Pakunoda to _help_ – even if it went against her very nature—the angel. Swallowing her own cry of surprise, she hastily made her way to _Father's_ chambers to call for assistance, leaving the angel sprawled on the floor.

But in Pakunoda's haste to alert _Father,_ she completely missed the watchful eyes that lurked in the shadows.

* * *

(´〜｀*) zzz

* * *

'I will never drink again!' was what I told myself every time I woke up with a terrible hangover.

Unfortunately, I was swift to forget about my resolution and promptly drank myself to oblivion whenever I got too carried away.

And so to no one's surprise, I woke up the next morning with a pulsating headache that worsened with my room's bright lighting. Grumbling at my own foolishness— _I was never going drink again, ever, I swear this was the last time—_ I curled back under the threadbare blanket as its loose strands scratched against my legs uncomfortably.

 _Wait._

Threadbare…?

My eyes snapped open.

I wasn't in my room. _Again!_

Instead of waking up to a bed that was covered in papers and the occasional stuffed animal, I woke up to a rickety bed with moth-eaten bed sheets. The frame was made of wood and had been repeatedly painted to hide its decay but even from this distance I could see how it was chipped and worn down. A few shifts here and there were enough to make the bed creak in protest.

"Ah, you're awake." A distinctly deep voice grumbled from next to me.

I slowly twisted my body to face the boy (teenager?) –Wow, he was _tall._ Were all kids this tall nowadays? Ugh I feel so old.—before finally responding. "H-huh?"

The teen gave me an unimpressed stare. "The Old Man told me to bring you to him once you were awake."

Ah. Yes of course. The Old Man.

Yeah— _no_.I still had no idea what he was talking about. _"Huh?"_

"The Old Man wants to meet you," He said again, a little impatient.

I frowned, mulling over his statement. _What did I get myself into this time?_ My memories of last night were hazy at best – I _know_ its horribly irresponsible of me, but please allow me this fault – and I distinctly remember inviting Kanata and Sayo over and spilling my guts about my bathroom to them before –

– I naively agreed to Sayo's dare.

I winced. _Why do I this to myself?_

You'd think after that _memorable_ incident with Hisoka, I'd know better.

"Okay." I sighed because I was quickly getting used to this sort of development. Rather than panicking and worrying like an headless chicken, I might as well get this done and over with. Right?

 _Oh boy,_ I remarked snidely to myself, _which character will I have the pleasure of meeting this time?_

The boy nodded, seemingly satisfied at my reply and led the way to the so called 'Old Man'. I took the short walk as an opportunity to observe my surroundings. We passed through a hall that was plastered with rotting wood but was otherwise well tended to. A cursory glance out the window also revealed what looked like a small yard with a couple of children playing tag.

I didn't know where exactly _here_ was but the sight of kids made me hope that I wasn't in any grave danger.

Maybe I was in Whale Island?

I brightened at the prospect of meeting Gon or Mito, who seemed like such lovely people.

Hey, maybe things _were_ looking up for me!

.

Turns out, I was not in Whale Island.

When I casually asked the boy about our whereabouts, he just stared at me as if I grew another head and mumbled an incoherent name. I didn't quite catch it the first or second time he repeated it for me unfortunately. As I didn't want to make an even bigger fool of myself, I solemnly nodded at his response and echoed the incoherent mumbling to him.

He gave me another weird look.

"Oh hello," A plump old man donned in clerical clothing smiled at me once we arrived at what I assumed was the 'Old Man's' office. "Did you rest well?"

 _Huh._ When the teenager said 'old man' I certainly wasn't expecting this homely looking priest.

"U-um, yes!" I placed my hands on my lap as I gave a bow, my eyes sliding to the ground in shame. I nearly winced at the sudden movement (my head hurt like _hell_ ) but made no move to get up. Whether or not this was a fictional world, I still felt mortified that a virtual stranger had to take care of me in my inebriated state! _Jesus._ I should really stop drinking like a sailor. "Thank you very much for giving me a place to sleep last night. I am terribly sorry for all the trouble I caused."

"My, what a polite young lady!" The old man let out a lopsided smile. "But please raise your head. There's no need to prostate yourself out of gratitude."

I instantly complied with his request – ugh, it's been such a long time since I had to do such a stiff gesture—and gave him a sheepish smile. "But still, I'm very grateful."

The priest smiled pleasantly and directed me to sit at the graying couch. "Ah my boy, thank you for bringing our visitor here. Feel free to return to your activities."

From behind me, the boy grunted and left the room.

"So, what brings a pretty lady like you over here to our Church?" The priest asked, the smile never leaving his face.

"A-Ah," _Crap._ I certainly couldn't say that I wandered in here from another world! I had to think of something and _fast_! "I had a little too much to drink last night and got into a dare with a couple of my friends to sneak in here. Ahaha…You know how it is when you're young and stupid. "I trailed off, hoping that he bought it.

I found that lies close to the truth were a lot easier to uphold.

"I see," He said after a few seconds of silence. " _Of course_. You just happened to…wander inside The Church out of a dare."

I laughed nervously in embarrassment, completely missing the way his smile tightened. "Something like that. I'm kind of a bad drunk."

"It's a good thing you didn't get into any trouble during your state of inebriation then! Meteor City is much much dangerous during the night. In fact, I'm surprised you even ventured out at that time," The priest cocked his head to the side, as if to observe me. "Pardon me for saying this but you don't exactly look like someone who can fend for herself."

I paled.

"…Meteor City, you say?" _Oh gods._ I feel like I was going to get sick. Well, even sicker.

"Yes, Meteor City." The priest gave me a curious look. "Are you okay, my dear? You're trembling."

"I-It's probably the hangover!" I tried to give him a reassuring smile but it probably ended up looking like a grimace. "My head still kind of hurts from last night."

The priest's lips pursed but after a few seconds he gave me a brisk nod. "I see." With another amiable smile, the priest – _Pliny_ , he later introduced—shooed me off back to my room and told me to sleep my ailment off. Naturally, I refused and insisted that I couldn't impose on his kindness – more like I _wanted_ to escape back to my bathroom—but he waved my concerns off.

"Nonesense! This _is_ The Church. We provide aid to anyone who needs it. You need not worry." He said. "We accept everything."

I felt like his last statement carried much more weight than it ought to but I was too lost in my own thoughts to pay it any attention.

.

Once I was back in the safety—a relative term at best—of my temporary room I took the chance to examine the situation I was in.

During my irresponsible state of drunkenness, I happened to stumble into Meteor City _again._ But this time, I had yet to see someone that I would recognize. But I was willing to bet that it would be someone from the Phantom Troupe, as that seemed to be the common link between all of my _visits._

 _Yikes._

The only ones I had yet to meet were the blonde cellphone guy, tracksuit guy, the Frankenstein guy, the ninja, and the lady in the sharp suit.

…I wondered if any one of them could qualify as a 'lesser evil'.

I sighed. This was getting me nowhere. The more I thought about it, the more I failed to come with a decent solution. My head was hurting like crazy and my breath stank of squid and booze. _Worse,_ I forgot take a bath last night! I was certain that I was an absolute mess to look at right now.

Well. Time to do the one thing that never failed to soothe me.

It was time to take a bath!

* * *

(*＾v＾*)

* * *

"Hey, hey, Pakunoda," A small blonde boy looked up at his companion. "Who's the new lady?"

Pakunoda replied. "I don't know. But that's why _Father_ is sending me over."

"To interrogate her?" He cocked his head to the side cutely. He found that using this particular method often won him some sort of advantage.

"…Nothing as sinister as that. Just a few questions to see if she's a threat to us." Pakunoda was not fooled by the boy's act.

"Hmm," The boy hummed as he fiddled with his new found _toy_. Pakunoda eyed the novel object in his hands but said nothing. The boy caught her gaze and promptly hid the toy in his pocket. "Sounds like fun! Can I come?"

A sigh, then. "Just don't cause too much trouble Shalnark."

* * *

 **Author's Note**

OCs. OCs. So many OCs. For this chapter, I introduced two of Hazuki's friends; Kanata Kawaguchi and Sayo Hoshizora. The three of them are in the same university and take classes together, so they're pretty close lol. I'll try to post an illustration of the two sometime soon! They'll be Hazuki's support in these trying times haha.

Phew. This chapter is a minor break from the consecutive flirty (lol) chapters.

So, some explanations for this chapter!

* **Light novels with excessively long titles** ; I don't know why but I've noticed this trend with Japanese LNs in which they kind of have really long titles, especially when translated to English lmao. For example, something like 'I got reincarnated into a new world but somehow I'm a vending machine?', or something like that lol. Regardless, I'm still fond of a lot of light novels.

* **Toilets** in Japan : I kind of forgot about this major detail in the previous chapters but in most Japanese households, baths / showers are a separate room from the toilet. So when Kanata has to vomit, he uses the room for the toilet, while Hazuki is supposedly in the actual bathroom.

 ***Dried Squid / Surume:** A snack that goes well with beer.

We don't get much information on Meteor City and the Troupe's past so I've decided to throw A LOT of headcanons in here to give the troupe some sort of backstory. I'll be explaining more about it in later chapters but for now, we have Shalnark and Pakunoda appearing in the same chapter. I'm not sure how this is going to be received but I hope people will be okay with this kind of development!

Another thing, thank you so so much for the reviews! It means a lot to me and I'm really glad that you enjoyed that last chapter with Hisoka and that you find this fic humorous! He was such a struggle to write (especially in his own POV!) and honestly most of the time I'm worried that my interpretations of characters are too OOC. But I'm glad that people still found it enjoyable!

Who are the characters you'd like for Hazuki to meet / re-meet (lol is that even a word) in the future? Are there any kind of developments you want to see? Let me know in the review section!

 **Please leave a review as it makes my day!**


	8. Interrogation X Question

**A/N: Pagebreaks and Kamaoji indicate change in POV**

* * *

（￣_￣；）

* * *

The thing about Pakunoda is that she's a _terrible_ liar.

It's not that she's adverse to telling lies— _far from it_ —or that she's particularly clumsy when it came to words—she's an eloquent young lady, _thank you very much_.

In truth, it's mostly because of her perpetually impassive expression that most of her lies fell short of believable.

She's not a very good actress and she quite preferred it that way. She's much more comfortable with brutal and ugly truths rather than pretty dolled up lies. Lies often had a way of biting you in the ass at some indeterminate point in the future, and more often than not, it just really _wasn't_ worth it. Truths were far better in that regard as they were straightforward, simple, and unlikely to betray you.

So when Father sent her to interrogate— _question,_ he had said but the interrogation part was heavily implied—the strange lady, she didn't know what to make of it. Surely _,_ there were _better_ candidates for that kind of task.

"Why?" She had asked, unsure. She still had a few baskets of laundry to go through before the day ended and she knew for a fact that those clothes weren't going to wash themselves.

"Well," He began. "Why not? You're the best at distinguishing the lies from the truths."

Ah. Her _nen_ then.

"Yes, but, I'm sure that there other ways to extract the truth from her." She shifted, her eyes flicking to the door. Had she sorted all of the clothes properly?

"Phinks would break her kneecaps if you asked him nicely enough, I think." Shalnark suddenly piped in. He was curled up at one of the priest's couches, his hands never straying from the strange contraption he was fiddling with.

Father gave Shalnark a gaze of disapproval.

"It was a joke." Shalnark shrugged his shoulders.

 _It was not_ and Pakunoda knew that for a fact.

Father sighed, before returning his attention to Pakunoda once more. "You're the only one who can do it subtly enough _without_ committing bodily harm. I just want to find out about her motives without killing her, her name— _remember don't kill her, Pakunoda_ —why she's here— _please don't break her kneecaps_ —and how she got here. Her death is not the objective. _Please, please, don't kill her._ " He said, emphasizing the part that she was not to harm the lady many times. "I just need you to use a bit of your Nen to wheedle some information out of her."

If Pakunoda was offended at Father's lack of faith— _pun unintended_ , she certainly didn't show it. "Can't you ask her yourself?"

He frowned. "Well, I mean, I _did,_ and she was very forthcoming about herself but…"

"But?"

"…There's just something about her that unsettles me." He finally said after a few seconds. "She's a sweet young lady, yes, but she feels… _different_. No, that's not quite it. It would be more accurate to say that I _can't_ feel her." _Ah._ So it wasn't just her who noticed then. From behind her, she felt Shalnark gaze at them with sudden interest. "I'm inclined to believe that she's hiding something and I worry that her secrets will cause trouble for us in the future…"

Frankly, the only _trouble_ that Pakunoda could foresee was the laundry not getting finished in time. She was still a little dubious about the entire _mission_ and wanted to respectfully decline. But at one sharp look from Father, she eventually agreed to it, under the terms that _no one_ was to touch the laundry in her absence.

Father smiled at her in exasperation. It was the same kind of smile he used when reigning in the rowdier children and Pakunoda felt slightly miffed. "I'm afraid I still don't understand why you're so fixated on our clothes Paku, but if it makes you amenable to my request then I don't see why not."

"Well," Shalnark began, as he slid something inside his pocket before standing up from the couch. "The last time anyone aside from Paku did our laundry, all our clothes turned _orange_. But, well, I mean if you _reaaally_ want orange robes then—"

"No, no, no, that's quite alright. Pakunoda can do the laundry first before questioning our…guest."

"But what if she escapes?"

"She's not a prisoner. She's free to leave whenever she wishes, but it _would_ be troubling if she were to disappear before we got our answers…" Father trailed off, looking uncertain.

Shalnark's eyes twinkled in mischief and Pakunoda eyed him warily. She knew Shalnark had a taste for pranks of the kind that usually (read: always) didn't end well for anyone _but_ him. "I could keep her company while Paku finishes the laundry."

Father clapped his hands in delight. "Ah, what a good idea Shalnark!"

Pakunoda was inclined to disagree.

* * *

⌒°(❛ᴗ❛)°⌒

* * *

Shalnark was bored.

In the past few months, he had secretly taken to fueling a quarrel between the local baker and his wife _just because._ It had resulted to a very messy confrontation that involved the loss of a few patches of hair and some dignity of the married couple but ended on a rather _lackluster_ note when they quickly reconciled and proceeded to do things he was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to see at his young and tender age.

Shalnark was convinced that the image of the old baker's wrinkly butt would forever be burned in his mind so he swiftly sought another means of entertainment that _hopefully_ didn't involve wrinkly butts anytime soon.

Luckily, a new source of entertainment soon landed into his lap in the form of interrogating— _questioning,_ Pakunoda corrected him many times—some strange lady that wore equally strange clothes.

"Can't we just," He gestured vaguely with his hands. "Get Phinks to break her—"

Pakunoda sighed. She was a few paces ahead of Shalnark and turned to face him. "You heard Father. No busting of kneecaps."

"It's not like the Old Man will be there though. We can just tell him that she ran away."

"With busted kneecaps?"

He grimaced. "Yeah, fair point."

Shalnark quickly went over his other viable options for interrogation but Pakunoda was an unfortunately perceptive girl and was quick to squash his ideas.

"Don't prank her. Or interrogate her. Or do anything of the sort." Pakunoda gave him a stern look. "Wait. For. Me."

"But Paku," He said sweetly, batting his eyelashes for the innocent effect. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You know what I mean Shalnark. _Don't break her._ She's not your toy. _"_

 _Yet,_ a small part of Shalnark's mind added.

"Ugh, fiiiine!" He pouted but Pakunoda was not swayed by his charming appearance. "I'll wait for you!"

Once Pakunoda was satisfied, she gave him a brisk nod, before leaving him to his devices as she went to the yard to finish the laundry.

* * *

ε=ε=ε=ε=┏(;￣▽￣)┛

* * *

I liked to think that I was a fairly optimistic person. Whenever things got tough, I wanted to look at the brighter and sunnier side of things –I was once told that this was escapism at its finest, but _I digress_ —to comfort myself, no matter how small it was.

Wandering back into Meteor City? Okay, yeah, cool, _cool,_ I can _maybe_ handle that. Sure, there were better places to be at, but at least I'm not dead yet!

Misplacing the object that I was supposed to trade for my way back home?

Alright, fine, _very_ concerning. But I've read enough _isekai_ novels that dealt with these kinds of situations. That must be helpful in some way, right?

 _Right?_

 _._

It was not helpful in any way. At all.

The thing about a lot of _isekai_ novels, was that they made everything seem _easy_ for the protagonist. It was as if winning over the friendship of the characters (both major and minor) was but a walk in the park and was as easy as breathing for them.

 _It was their natural charm_ , the author would explain.

And hey, I could buy that! Some people were certainly charming that you couldn't help but gravitate towards them. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that that's how cults were born—I briefly wondered if my otome game heroines qualified as cult leaders with their set up—but that's a pursuit for another day.

So, you know, I actually kind of thought that my adventure would be something like around those amiable terms; get to know the characters, befriend them, have adventures with them, have some heart pounding encounters (mostly due to fear) with the love interests and so on.

But I was _too naïve._

That sort of thing only happened in otome game transmigration stories!

I forgot that HunterxHunter was of a total different genre. It's a shounen manga. _A notoriously violent shounen manga._

 _Shit!_ I knew I should've read more of those _shounen_ transmigration light novels! My otome game transmigration light novel binge most certainly did not prepare me for any of _this_.

 _This,_ referring to how a strange little boy managed to incapacitate me and tie me up with a jump rope, while I was fresh from my bath.

It honestly felt a little surreal how I was tied up, in the middle of a rundown church, (in Meteor City no less!) donned in nothing but a bath towel.

…A part of me felt like my lack of decent clothing was slowly going to become a recurring pattern in these visits.

 _Why._

"Um," I licked my lips in confusion as I tugged against the ropes that bound my wrists. It was loose enough that I could break free any time I wanted to but I felt like the strange little boy wouldn't be appreciative of my escape. He _had_ worked very hard to tie me up. "What is happening?"

The strange little boy—who oddly enough reminded me of _Mirmo_ * with his adorably pink cheeks and small stature—looked at me sweetly. "Can't you tell, nee-san? This is an interrogation!"

"An interrogation…?" I echoed weakly.

"Yup! Interrogation, as in to question someone _aggressively!_ "

"W-Why?" Seriously. _Why?!_ Isn't it way too early in my adventure for the dark and edgy content?! This kind of thing usually happened at least mid-arc! It's too soon for any of those heavy developments!

"Because it sounds like fun! Or at least, I think it will be." Strange little boy— _Mirmo_ —frowned, his face scrunching cutely. "And, well, the Old Man said that you were suspicious so we need to make sure you're not a Bearzatti! But mostly because I'm bored, you know." He scratched his head as he looked lost in thought. "I hope you don't have a wrinkly butt."

There were a lot of things I had to say in response to that barrage of sentences, but I eventually decided to settle on the most important detail. "I don't have a wrinkly butt! No, no, _wait!_ I mean, I'm not anyone suspicious!"

I paused.

Somehow, I felt like I've said that line before.

 _Weird._

"Haha, funny you should say that! Somebody once told me not to believe anyone who claims that they're not suspicious." The boy—who shall henceforth be called _Mirmo_ —dragged a chair in front of me, before twirling it so the backrest was facing in my direction. He pursed his lips in concentration as if he debated on the proper way to climb it.

A few seconds passed wherein he just stared at the chair, his head occasionally tilting as he inspected it.

Feeling a bit awkward about the silent that ensued, I said, "Um, do you, ah, need help getting seated?"

"Oh, no, it's okay, I just need to—" A small hand reached out to stabilize the seat while the other was used as a lever to pull himself up. "Just give me a few—"

The rickety chair swiftly toppled forward, propelling Mirmo along with it. He let out a soft _'oh'_ at the abrupt motion but otherwise didn't look particularly startled or distressed. It was a different matter for me however as I, out of worry and shock, immediately undid the flimsy jump rope before diving to cushion his fall.

Of course, I was _not_ blessed with lightning reflexes as impossible and as insane as a fictional character's but I still _tried_ , nonetheless. After all, I wasn't heartless enough to allow bodily harm to come to a child, fictional or otherwise!

But, surprise, _surprise_ , Mirmo didn't really need my help and as soon as my hands reached out to catch him, he did this fancy little flip before using my head as a booster for his foot to leap off.

I slid forward on my face and Mirmo landed on my back.

Surprisingly, my towel was not dislodged one bit during this entire exercise in futility.

Was this the magic skirt (towel?) trope* at play?!

"Oomph!" _Gods._ This child was a lot heavier than he looked! Either that or my strength was severely lacking.

"Huh," He said blithely, as if he weren't crushing my lungs. "Guess that didn't work out too well."

"Ngguhhhoohhmiiii" I groaned from underneath him.

As I was about to tell the boy to get off my poor back—yikes, my inner older lady was showing—a loud creak echoed in the room and I felt Mirmo shuffle on top of me.

"Oh, hi Paku!" He chirped.

"Shalnark, _no!"_ A distinctly feminine voice hissed and it was accompanied by soft footsteps that neared me.

Wait.

 _Shalnark?!_

"Shalnark, yes!" Mirmo—Shalnark—responded in a petulant voice but made no move to get up from my back. "Come on Paku, I just made your job easier for you! I even got you ambience—" Shalnark waved (probably) his hands at the general area of the room."—and tied her up for you— _ah_ , she undid it. Oh well, we can just tie her up again."

"Shalnark, I don't need help." Paku's—if I had to hazard a guess, it was Pakunoda— voice was flat. "And don't tie people up just because you're bored. Father will get mad."

"Hmm," He hummed. "You don't look very surprised at it though. Alarmed, but not surprised."

She sighed. "This has become the norm for you, Shalnark."

"Well, I'll have to try harder next time,"

"Please, _don't_."

"I feel like I've been issued a challenge."

" _Shalnark."_

"Paku."

"…Um, I'd hate to get in between your conversation but could you maybe _please_ get off my back?"

.

Once I was finally fully clothed and thankfully not tied up like some meat about to be cured, the three of us settled into my temporary room. It was a little cramped with both Pakunoda and Shalnark occupying the bed, so I opted to sit at the cool cemented floor. Thankfully, it _looked_ clean so I wasn't too worried about picking up anything dangerous.

"So," I began conversationally, as if I were talking about the weather. "Interrogation?"

Pakunoda let out an exhale of exasperation but her flat expression remain unchanged. "I apologize on Shalnark's behalf. He was dropped on his head as a baby, you see."

" _Hey!"_

Pakunoda ignored him and pressed on. "We were supposed to go for subtlety but Shalnark has ruined the element of surprise. So to answer that, no. No interrogation."

 _Oh, thank god._

"But the interrogation part _was_ implied in my orders."

" _What._ "

"Heavily implied." Shalnark supplied unhelpfully.

I opened my mouth to defend my sorry self but a hand was suddenly firmly grasping at my shoulder. It wasn't strong enough to cause pain but it was firm enough to prevent me from making any abrupt movements. I looked up in surprise but was met with Pakunoda's steady gaze. "Tell me honestly—"

" _—Who are you?"_

.

.

.

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 **Mirmo:** A character from the shoujo manga called Mirmo de Pon.

 **Magic Skirt Trope:** The trope wherein a female character's skirt defies gravity and protects the heroine's decency no matter the situation.

Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the reviews from the last chapter. Reading all of them makes my day. I've been super busy irl so I haven't gotten around to replying to them but I def will as soon as I can!

In other news, this might be the last update in a while. I'm taking a board exam in a few days, and depending on the result, I might take a while to bounce back from the failure. Gah. And writing this fic might not happen during that time so I thought to update and finish this admittedly short chapter.

Paku and Shal are as equally difficult to write so I hope I managed to do them some justice. If they're OOC, I apologize.

To apologize for the short chapter, here's a short extra I wrote! It's definitely not canon to this fic lmao.

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 **EXTRA:**

 _ **(Actors! AU wherein Even Monkeys Fall From Trees is a drama and all the characters are actors. They share the same name as the character they play but have slightly DIFFERENT personalities. Please don't take this too seriously. It's all for fun.)**_

 _(Set in Chapter 1)_

" _Oh my God_ ," Hazuki's shoulders shook in laughter. She had one hand slapped on her mouth to stifle her giggling and another hand to push Kuroro off of her lap."Kuroro-san, your hair's tickling me— _eep!_ Stop moving around so much on my lap! _Ah!_ You'll dislodge my towel! We're barely getting by with a T rating as it is! Please don't give the author a reason to bump this story to an M rating!"

From beneath her, Kuroro gave her an uncharacteristic impish smile. "Hm? What _author_ are you talking about Hazuki? We're in a filming set aren't we? And you know," He murmured, tugging hear head downwards as his voice dropped an octave lower. "An M rating sounds like it would _steal_ ratings, don't you think?"

Once his lips were next to Hazuki's ear, he whispered. "I guess you could say… _weave_ come a long way."

A chorus of groans echoed in the studio at the dreadful pun.

" _Kuroro's at it again, huh?"_

" _Danchou…please stop."_

" _Can someone please remind me why this guy was casted as the leader of the Phantom Troupe?!"_

Hazuki sighed, before looking at the ceiling above as she silently prayed for strength and better co-actors. _Mostly better co-actors_.

"Aaaand cut!" A small yet firm hand suddenly pushed Kuroro off of Hazuki's lap and the former found himself sprawled ungraciously on the floor.

It was Gon, with a horribly amused Killua standing next to him.

"Kuroro-san," He said sweetly. "This is _not_ going to be an M rated story."

Kuroro smiled at the two children amiably before pushing himself off the floor to assume a sitting position. If he was annoyed by the sudden interruption, he certainly didn't show it. "Why are you two here today? Isn't your filming scheduled for the next month?"

"We just happened to pass by," Killua shrugged his shoulders as Gon gently wrapped a bigger and fluffier bathrobe around Hazuki's shoulders. "Besides," A devious smirk was plastered on Killua's face. "Someone has to look out for the heroine of this story. Who knows what kind of _pests_ she might attract?"

 _("Thanks Gon-kun,"_ _She patted his cheek affectionately._

" _Ehehe, it's no problem, Hazuki-nee!")_

"Yes, of course," Kuroro chuckled, as his gaze settled on Hazuki's bare legs. Killua rolled his eyes and moved to block the man's vision.

"Stop spying on her legs like that, you geezer!"

"I can't help it, Killua-kun." Kuroro turned his head before solemnly replying. "I _am_ a _spy_ der."

Killua groaned.

* * *

 _(AKA: An AU wherein Kuroro is Kuroro except he has a taste for ridiculously bad puns. Everyone suffers.)_

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 **Don't forget to leave a review! :D**


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